here we are.
im awake very early, the sun is bathing me and pan as it reflects of the water, my coffee warm, the newspaper reports and opinions swirl in the void of thought, the surfers catch waves the poets watch the horizon, the locals all going about their business in a sort of drug induced sleep walk, myself included. it's strange to be so detached and yet so much part of everything, i watch myself watching myself watching myself and i'm appalled by what i see. my mind is expansive, is that a blessing, or curse. it brings me no peace but i cannot train it in stillness. i cannot retract it from pondering the questions it does. it will not satisfy itself until it gets an answer, it pulls everything apart, not meaning to be destructive, not meaning to create discord, in fact its intentions are good, it's about the only part left that remains some what pure. the rest is just my own personal illusion and coping mechanisms.
so in my search i came to think about these extreme and strange thoughts. and i assembled a pattern of events in my life that seemed to some how link to the idea of a magickal initiation which may or may not be untrue, such is the chapel perilous. however i bade it equal status as the rest of the events in my life.
gradually it appeared that from incarnation to incarnation this quest seems to grow and in this life i was being severely directed to
devote more time pondering the mystery, it was almost enough to consider becoming a monk or the equivalent.
even the beauty of a wonderful marriage and family felt like the last temptation. my course had been set to self destruct and rebirth. pain fucking boring soap opera of life weaving in and out the mundane as around me magick events occurred usually in synchronistic contexts. schizophrenia you may say indicates thought processes such as this. the difference is the events that intruded on my life where not thoughts, they were incredible direct material events in time and space. whereas a schizophrenic would witness an interior event that may not be verified. i had listed 12 or so near death experiences, ranging from car crashes to being struck by lightening, various dreams that had come true, various experiences that resulted in experiencing a vast amount of trauma and loss and meeting significant people in this process who seemed to give me various bits of information to get through. such is the way the invisible college works.
it takes a certain type of mind to even write this but i know i have to file my report, just like burroughs, its compulsion, not pride. i have no pride, well not much.
so the invisible college is guiding me, i researched as much as i could, took the tangents until they came to dead ends and then waited for direction and all the while balancing (just about) my responsibilities.
then i read crowley's 'one star in sight' and something just made sense in a way that hadn't.

okay the secret societies and schools etc all had very strict structures, they have a frame work that the magickian moves through. all this time i knew i was following this path but because i don't belong to any group or society i had no way to know what the sequence was or is. i was without map. then reading 'one star' i noticed a few things he mentions.
firstly the grades are defined. for example an Adeptus is one who learns the formula of the rosy cross. the grades appear to follow a linear process but crowley goes on to say this is not how they manifest. the events concerning these grades can occur at any time in any sequence and as i read that i could see how this applies to the strange events in my life. it was a strange moment as to read it makes no sense and has no impact, but to apply this personally seems to make a huge difference in my relationship to the cosmos. i was following all these grades but not in a sequence, this is why its been so hard for me to understand fully what happens to me and i have had to use an intuitive approach. im still not 100% sure but it appears as though there is a pattern at work amongst the chaos and the concept of magick seems to apply itself well in its translation.
i'll post up some excerpts from 'one star' in the final part of this report.