i've been here 13 days, and then out from the blue, i experienced my mothers madness. it was pretty horrific and i find it impossible to restore my equilibrium. tomorrow morning i will leave, early. maybe stay with jake for a few days although it's a huge imposition as he has no room plus jury duty. i will have to change my flight details and return to australia in a few days. i think the uk is done for me, i certainly am done with it. i came for my father.

the fight begun over a lunch arrangement that i had made with my dads best friend, but almost immediately she drove it to some nasty guilt trip where she used some long distance history and even my dad against me. 

i found it hard to breath, my chest felt like it was about to cave in and i retreated. the effects of her diatribe always has the same effect upon me, it makes me self destructive. 

i've attempted to heal this over years and done this successfully but even now at a ripe age of 61 it hurts deeper than words can describe.

i have no defense, after all she is an old lady who has just lost her husband so i call my brother to take her out to the lunch and i stay home. as she leaves she say's something nasty again. 

i breath. it really is all i can do. the trauma of years of this type of stuff tears at me. i can't let myself express anything directly, it would be totally inappropriate, so i write. 

i know my mother hates me, it's been obvious since the age of 13, i've felt that weight upon me almost every day, distance helps but it's always there, the words, the energy and the actions, always.

outside the rain falls, grey clouds overcast the city, silent trains on strike outside the window point towards the city, small electric vehicles whizz past the streets, the occasional truck shudders past the high street. and although it feels like life, it really isn't. i hear the death throes of a fading empire, collapsing in upon itself.  a place where madness dwells as dog eats dog and people eat people, even family. it's not home for me, it's hell. and i know i don't belong here.