and just like that, after a vicious and mind blowing attack the very next day it's as if nothing happened. she is so nice to me it's knocking me backwards. i must admit the conversation with my brother late last night was good. it was the first time he actually listened to me, without cutting me off or invalidating my own history. so i was grateful. he listened and gave reasonable feedback, and constructive advice. maybe for the first time he recognized the reality of the situation. it certainly was the most important conversation i ever shared with him. 

the bottom line is he saved the situation, i don't have to go anywhere although i will move around a lot more now the trains are back.  

my sleep was restless and disturbing, nightmares and a plague of anxieties. i had been reading previously about plagues and wondered if within the plagues are compounded plagues, maybe mental health ones go hand in hand with locusts and pestilence.

the morning i drive mum around, do chores, cook her meals. clean etc. i need some space now, i have not fully comprehended my fathers death, i feel alone without him, really alone yet my world is populated with ghosts, and ancestors. maybe there's a way to re-establish a connection, maybe that would ease my mind.

i speak with some family, they are so lovely and sympathetic towards my situation. i am very grateful and  perhaps not so alone after all.

my brain feels like shutting down, deep sleeping. i feel like i am drowning in an ocean of thick molasses, hands clutch me and pull me downwards, not like gravity but like abduction. 

my brother says 'home' is a pressure cooker now, he knows the center cannot hold as mum becomes more irrational and deals with grief in her way. he mentions we are all grieving, and this i suppose is very true. i was very close to dad, it was not something i shared with people in my family but dad was the one person i really felt loved me. and yesterday my mother took that away from me. so i'm grieving something else now. the certainty i had about my father towards me, maybe it was wishful thinking, having been rejected by my mother perhaps i invested in my father. maybe i was just the unloved son. maybe i just have to accept that now. whatever relationship i had with dad is contaminated now, after the things mum said. it's left me feeling very self destructive. at least i am aware of that, next time i get inside the car and drive, next time i pass a dealer, next time i see a bottle. people always wonder why people take drugs, why they implode or why they are driven to suicide or self destruction. pain. that's why. it's a painkiller.