i don't know how long i spent in the fairy realm, it felt like years, years passing by, a lifetime, many lifetimes. i learnt to play the mandolin  i learnt to use a wand, yeah real magick not that complex chaos stuff, the real fairy kind, i even married a few of the cute little sprites, reared children, went a wandering, translated a few occult volumes from ancient faire to modern english. but i also wandered the realm, roaming like a mythological figure, from village to village, i even started a religion based on sex, but despite all these things i grew bored, restless and melancholic.
i missed my old life, the human one. yeah the one where i'm fighting telstra, struggling to pay my bills, the one where i get angry over politics and write stupid posts on my facebook page, i missed my son, he would probably be a grandfather by now, time slows down in this dimension. 
i had build a nice little place, a dwelling, near the lake of 'tranquil compassion.' it was made from honey oak and walnut trees, a kinda shack. i sat there in the afternoons, playing with the dragonflies and watching the sunsets with some of my fairy wives.
i mean these fairy women are pretty liberal when it comes to relationships and i figured i may as well indulge myself, there has to be some advantages, being trapped here, right?
we had feasted on honey cake and sweet water from the wells of joyful infinity and i guess were in a slight stupor  i was trying to light a fire with my wand, but the energy was somewhat mutated from to much hedonism and the pile of coals just kept transforming into various metals.
she arrived almost silently, it was the strange breeze and change in air currents that warned me she stood behind me.
'hey, long time no see your majesty.'
'i see you have made yourself quite comfortable captain.'
'yeah well i work at it.'
'well i bring good news, shall we sit down?'
'yeah yeah, go ahead make yourself comfortable, i'll get you a glass.'
she zapped the pile of zinc and it burst into flames, only now the zink was coal, i went to pour her a drink.
'it's been a long time, you haven't aged a bit.'
'we don't age here, one of the benefits of fairy land.'
'mmm, well i've discovered many benefits but i do miss home. you know i'd only just arrived back from an overseas trip. how many human years have i been here?'
'it's possible it is thousands.'
'mmm, wow, i wonder what it's like, those crazy humans would have either wiped themselves out or left the planet by now.'
'well that's what i need to talk with you about,' she took a sip of sweet water and looked at me seriously, 'there is a way back.'
'i'm not sure i wish to go back now i know thousands of years have passed.'
'you would return to the same point you vanished.'
'okay, that's got me interested.'
'well it's somewhat irregular but i requested my councillors investigate, they in turn have come up with the one and only way home for you, however you won't like it.
'i think i should hear it first, don't you?'
'quite. captain mission, basically you have to capture a troll.'
'that's ridiculous! there's no such thing as trolls.'
the fairy queen smiles at me, 'yes, there are, very very rare to sight one but they exist. they are the enemy of my people. they inhabit the shadow lands where we found you, usually they eat trespassers and often they will catch fairies as well.'
'what do they do with the fairies they catch?'
'trolls eat everything, they suck the marrow from bones and then boil the bones and make a soup, they are vile disgusting things.'
'so how does that help me.'
'well research indicates that if you capture one and spare it's life it has the duty to offer you one wish.'
'mmm, and how does one capture a troll.'
'that i can't answer. however, on a full moon like tonight, it's likely one would be out in the shadow lands looking for food.'
'fucking hell your majesty, you just keep bringing me the good news don't you.'
'i can take you there but i can't enter tonight, not on a full moon. the trolls would rip me apart.'
'trolls, fucking fairies and trolls!'
i looked around at my sleeping wives, my little cabin, i grabbed my shoulder bag, stuffed it full of potions i thought may come in handy and i laced up my boots. yes. did i mention that all fairies wear boots? you have to believe me i tell you no lies. 
so the queen and i transported ourselves over to the edges of the shadow lands, with a bag full of herbs and a crystal sword i prepared myself to catch a troll.
we materialised on the edges of the dark lands, already the temperature seemed to be falling as the eerie ambience of the forest weeped out, aevil stood hugging herself, looking around nervously.
i gave her a hug, 'go your majesty, no point in hanging around. it's been a pleasure to meet you and if i make it back perhaps you will remember you and your people have a friend in the human realms.'
she hugs me tightly and bats her green eyes in a sexy girlish kinda way that is slightly disconcerting. as i step into the darkness i hear her whisper, 'remember the code.'