so much going on, time spins around in some centrifuge, i'm cought up in so many things, i can't quite keep hold. loosing my grip, stressed out to the point my body is crashing, my car is failing, my emotions are ripped apart by family dynamics, my head hurts with pressure at work, files and reports, deadlines, complex case management issues, i miss my son, i live in a house filled with boxes, my life in books, the rest of my stuff hangs in the balance, papers everywhere, am i coming or going, am i sliding of the edge of the world into an abyss, i feel more lost today than ever, stateless. i have no home, i am in-between everything, floating in forces i can't quite grip. so i let everything go, it's my default position, what else can you do, cling to being right, cling to an idea, cling to the emotion, cling to hurt and pain, cling to the relentless decline of the body, cling to money, cling to car, cling to anger, cling to constructs that just don't work, clinging will kill me, so i open my hands and surrender. i love everyone, i don't want to fight, i don't want enemies, i don't want discord but it appears this is what i find in my family, friends, politics, institutions and ideas.
this morning my landlord said to me, 'accept everything.'
but it's so hard to accept the things that want to crush you. acceptance will bring peace i guess but it hurts so deeply at the same time, accept it, accept acceptance. yeah, what can i do?
it's good advice.
they say moving is the most stressful event after divorce, i've been through worse, i can handle it but it's a lonely event, very isolating as i filter my life into various boxes i come across strange lost things, letters, photographs and postcards.
i found a love letter from a girl i loved, wow, it was beautiful, she must have loved me, her words were heartfelt.
i found a photograph of jakob, aged about three, looking so beautiful and a hand made card he made me, it was a poem about my love of books and reading. it was quite funny. a picture of my mum in her wedding dress, quite the glamorous lady. all these mementoes fill me with all kinds of strange emotions, but i have to get on with the packing.
i've culled my books again, go down to the exchange where my dealer offers me 150 bucks in credit, i pick up a big book on north american indians, three high piles of books for one single volume. that's a good cull!
records, i have so much vinyl, i should give them away but they are probably worth a fortune, and my spider man comics, what a nerd i must be, they might be worth something. 
packing up your life is weird, it's only been in the last 10 years i have had so much stuff, it all started after my divorce when i actually had nothing, my friend wayne insisted that i take a saucepan he was gifting me. i resisted, no i said, i don't really want anything, but he was insistent.
ironically the same guy now says i have to many books, and to many things, mmm, yes he's right, i will cull hard, cull harder, cull with a vengeance.