my blog may be extreme bullshit perhaps, here's the strange thing, i'm not attached to the idea of being right about anything or wrong or any value really, these are just thoughts, spawned from imagination. occasionally some are based upon research and a linage that dates back a fair way, yes most of the people involved in this stuff have been called mad at some point in time, it's not uncommon and its part of the territory, when a magickian talks about the demon chorozon or uses any of his / her terminology they are thought off as insane. the last thing i am interested in is a battle of wills or ideas over sanity, i'd probably loose anyway. the terms are part of a reference system, they are metaphorical as all symbols inherently are including words. everyone's spiritual path is their own, one mans map is anothers trap, it's just the way it is, and yes i am guilty of writing some stupid things for which i take responsibility, but it's my process and that's what i do via writing, i certainly don't expect people to agree with me let alone read me, that surprised me! i'm not after anything, i have no agenda, not trying to change anyones mind or sign people up into a cult, a society or organisation, i don't even encourage commentators for if people want to read what i write they can chose to do that or not. i'm not even attempting to communicate with anyone else but myself through a kind of automatic writing process, i guess. and maybe one day my son will read this and find out a little more about his dads inner life, and i believe he knows me well enough to distinguish i have an imagination which is used quite frequently in my writing styles. he can tell the difference between the dad he knows and the one he reads just the same way i can tell the way that h g wells did not build a time machine but was playing with ideas in narrative about social structures.

the magickians path has evolved since the old days, it's now the path of a number of philosophical types, even some scientists and clinical psychologists. in fact it was a scientist who started the iot, which is possibly the most recent group of occultists to tap into a new magickal current. philip hine, ray sherwin have written quite extensively on these processes and all i have done is test their ideas in a safe progressive way that harms no one, except myself occasionally. i seek my own communion with god or what i refer to as the universe, and that is done through writing and magickal events or synchronistic occurrences that have metaphorical significance for me and me alone. perhaps substitute the word magick for metaphorical, it's just a word people used to describe a process that in its modern incarnation is actually surprisingly quite scientific. for the science requires results that are repeatable, and so does the modern magickian. 
practitioners are in agreement that magick only tips the odds slightly, it does not alter the universe in great consequence and it is not the same as mysticism, although i have always held the belief that in order to be a good 'scientist' one must follow the process of mysticism. 
history shows us that the most groundbreaking scientific discoveries have been made through a process one would say was mystical. newton himself after the discovery of gravity devoted the remainder of his life to alchemy. einstein believed imagination was more important than knowledge and for the modern mage imagination is everything. in fact it is everything.


recently after reading the crowley biography i read something i had never heard before in other books about him. towards the end of his life he observed that mysticism was the greater path. now before i read the biography i was emerged in reading moonchild, where i found i became very interested in the character alan bennet whom all the magickians seemed to looked up to with an other worldly respect. i was taken by this element and at the end of the book felt this was the main idea crowley was writing about, the main story was almost incidental.


yes my writing can be verbose and weird, it can go off the rails and be over the top, it can mention the taboo, it can provoke and be full of loathing and anger, it can be childish and ridiculous, it contains lies and truth, it's everything that flashes through my mind when i sit down at the keyboard and i very rarely censor or rewrite anything. it's sometimes wise and it's often rubbish and it's pointless to everyone unless you see it as that, a man writing stuff. why? because that's what i do. judge me, hang me, hate me, love me, it's not such a big deal for i can't possibly give offence, people can only take it from me, either way i am not attached to any idea about being anything else. 


modern magick is completely different to classical magick, the 21st century gods are jim morrison for dionysus and tv personalities, it appears the engine that drives success within modern magick rests on belief. you can use any system as long as you believe in it totally, golden dawn, enochian, lovecraftian iot or voodoo. you trick the mind in believing it's true, which is why the mage spends so much time doing mental preparations,  in the same way a method actor believes in his character and the film he is in is his reality while he is acting, i guess the diagnostic manuel would say that based on their perspective daniel day lewis was temporarily insane and they may have a point. belief is everything. which is why 'i believe in you' as a statement often has more power than 'i love you.'


life has taken it's strange twists and turns, it's been a trip but a very profoundly interesting one, different from the usual path people take and thats okay, it suits me most of the time. everything takes me somewhere, to a point. plant medicines took me to a point but they can't take me any further, magick took me to a point but it can't take me further. all that's left is writing and i know i have to go further, writing my imagination, love it or loath it that's where i am going, dead end it maybe but it is the journey there not the destination tat was always important to me. 


i am ridiculously sorry for what lines i cross, it's never been an intention to even get near a line let alone cross it. 
i am the first to confess i don't know how to be a friend with almost anyone these days so don't feel special, i'm always baffled why people actually like me and not surprised when they say they don't. it made me sad but i accept it, and i value your honesty, i always have.


i am not making excuses, i don't have any reason to justify myself as i take responsibility for everything in my life, good and bad and despite what people think about me i believe in myself, which i guess makes me either stupid or dangerous.


anyways, the last few days i have returned to the ocean, from where i came apparently, it's always a great place for healing, sorting my head and crazy mind out, tossing me around gently this time in magnificent temperate surf. i have also managed to catch up on much sleep, which is good, i was beginning to feel like i was living in a netherworld of foggy shadows and flickers. i'm gonna get some clarity in the next few weeks, it's coming.


there are another two things which have really effected me, one being the twin towers conspiracy, it's so fucking awful, i hate the idea that these fuckers get away with it, and i really hope one day they are exposed. i'm still haunted by the images of it. my friend says that i should not even worry about ancient history and think about what these evil people will do next. i can't imagine anything worse. i mean how much power and cash do these idiots actually want? 
secondly a story which came to my attention in the papers, a small item on page 7 of the telegraph, it didn't even make the other papers.
this was a terrible story and i feel writing it will just contribute to making everyones day miserable, but sometimes you have to acknowledge the side of humanity that we don't want to even look at. 
in brazil, in the amazonian rainforest some illegal loggers found an 8 year old girl from a very remote tribe. she was playing in the jungle, just like eden i guess innocent and free. they tied her to a tree and set fire to her. this girl had never ever seen civilisation, she had no analogue of life outside her tribe.
this was first contact and it murdered her. 
oh humanity, where for art thou?