back from the airport having dropped emilie off, she's of to visit gold coast husband, dave with the dumb dog, am i jealous, envious, upset, disappointed? nope, no hostile feelings whatsoever, no rage boiling under the surface, thoughts of vengence or revenge, no silent sighs, or flickering images of abandonment, no the simple truth is i love emilie, which is why despite all the freaking oppurtunities that occurred in last night's haze of exotic smoke and green tinged elixiers, jaque breul playing in the background, i managed to maintain self control, and the moment she made her move, those georgous lips, the lips that i see when i close my eyes, they fluttered their way towards mine, butterfly kiss, i got my wish, a kiss that said more than any book i ever read, a kiss that equates to every moment i longed for, dreamed of and desired, all time had come to focus upon this simple act that melting moment, that forever now and i and smiled saying, 'mmm you smell nice.' there was no return kiss, my lips remained still, my heart beat slowed under the guidence of techniques mastered over the last 3 years, thanks, Dr. Hyatt.
emilie read me exerpts from her novel, the narrative had been transalated from french to english and i could hear the language difference as she read, but this was not influencing the story in a negative way, in fact quite the contary, the more she read the more i found myself emmersed in her style, the story and it's descriptions, yeah, she's got it, the writers thing, the curse or is it a blessing? i read enough to know about it, she's got it in spades, it falls out of every pore in her beautiful luminous skin, the girls a fucking genuis and i am the only one who knows, what's going on here? it's an inversion of the frankenstien story, the crazy eccentric old magickian creates the woman of his dreams, the perfect partner who seduces him with her brain, he recognises her power all that beauty all that intellect in one individual is to much, it could only self destruct, he sees all of his life reflected in hers, not a mirror, no this is phenomoneon, this has potentiality, the union of both can create something awesome, it's shamanic. however the magickian extracts the brain and keeps it in a pool of nutrients, places it in his chambers suspended from the cieling, it's diembodied voice, still emilies, but this time emminating from the speakers above the dining table where he enjoys their conversations and humourous discussions, while he drinks wine and eats blueberry ice cream, he knows she will never destroy him as long as he maintains dominance and control by no control, the moment he capitulates she will use her brain to hack the system, throw herself together a new body and escape, consequently, the relationship is demanding and energy consuming, yet it is everything it can be. but being male the magickian's desires get the better of him and one hot summer evening, just before those north breezes kick in, he implants the brain into a body he has laying around, purely for hedonstic purposes, to consumate their relationship. we all know it ends in tears.
but whose?


yeah well on the drive back, through the rain, the streets uncurled in front of me like a video game, and my car, at long reef skidded, yeah skidded, outta control, just like a movie, while inside, pan and i exchanged a glance through my rear veiw mirror, time did not cease but warped and i knew that there was nothing i could do to regain control, just skid into the events and hope that the millions of things that could hit us miss and we them. I think that some where else in my blog i spoke about the way death and i relate, it's a friendship that i've had since i was a kid, occassionally we connect and catch up, always at poinent moments, it's not like we seek one another, it's not like we even have much to say to one another anymore, it's more a casual affair that's lasted a life time, and one day deaths going to come and marry me but it wasn't today. Today was a day death pecked me on the cheek and said, 'remember, i always give you what you want, and i always take it away.'
And today i gave emilie a hug, bit her on the lip and put her on the plane, despite her texts for me to return and kiss her , i didn't, i may be romantic but i am original and the script we write is clique free, well maybe not but long goodbyes at the airport..... i hope i drew a little blood, i hope that tiny bite mark irritates her all week, to the point it becomes a gentle throb bordering on irritational pain and discomfort, and i hope that when she runs her tougue over her lip she thinks of me and smiles.

meanwhile my plan for the week is health, lots of excersise, meditation, yoga and generally develop my body, which i often neglect due to lack of intrest. However emilie said she would fuck me if i develop a six pack and a challenge like that is kinda hard to ignore from a girl like her.

oh yeah now i remember what bliss is like, except i don't recall the ponding of kettle drums in my head, yeah old Captain Mission had a big night, which in the intrests of decency will not be discussed on this here blog.

it's a strange friday, freaky no, just strange lots of cold currents circulating mission control, lots of nice ambient tunes drifting though curtosy of 'pandora' a site that calls itself the Music Genome Project and offers the chance to listen to music you like, then select from it's dna, or structure and elements the type of music you like, offerring you a range of tunes to try. Although it's a great idea, it needs refining, especially as it's a bit american heavy.
I have two stations I created,
The Church Radio and Brian Eno Radio.
within each station are a range of songs pandora thinks match the dna of the shurch and eno, most of the songs don't seem to match in a way that i want but the idea is good and you get to control what you hear. It's going to be big.

lunch with jake, actually it's never lunch, it's usually our thursday meet in the bookshop in babylon, have our special tea and buy a few books. today over tea i noticed jake eating the leaves from the strainer, mmm, i asked why, and he suggested that i try it, and it was divine, yeah, licorice, chamomile, lemongrass and some mystery herb i can't place. Now that's part of Jake i adore, actually i adore all of him but he is so outside the box. i recall when we were in port douglas we were playing in a pool in a swanky hotel, he swam to the side of the pool and started to eat the ants.
'What the fuck?'
'It's okay, these are honey ants.'
and they were.
Now that's nothing exceptional in some cultures but for an 6 year old to try that without any prompting is a healthy sign. jake knows his wildlife, he knows the animal kingdom back to front, being raised on a diet of david attenborough, even now when he comes over we will stick on a dvd and watch him explore the planets life.
after tea jake usually asks me what he should read, we have a good deal going since he was three. at the point where most divorced dads decide to shower their kids with toys and win back affection with material goods i just said that i would never buy him a toy but when ever he needed a book, he can come ask me and i'll buy it. He's now 18 and not once has he abused my offer, vary rarely did he ask despite being a voracious reader like me, usually once a month, now he's a bit older and reading material that i read, he's reading a wider range of books and more interesting ones, last week i suggested 'Fierce People' by Winterborn. We usually have a debrief before i buy the next book.
The book is brilliant, i really enjoyed its digestible narrative and plot, but i liked the anthropological side it has, here's a few lines from some other people who like it so much they may even film it.

A coming-of-age story about the perils of privilege, FIERCE PEOPLE examines the deceit and betrayal that erupts when a working-class mother and her son move to a wealthy “country club” suburb where social climbing is a blood sport
Trapped in his mother'’s Lower East Side apartment, sixteen-year-old Finn wants nothing more than to escape New York and spend the summer in South America studying the Iskanani Indians, or “Fierce People with the anthropologist father he's never met. But Finn'’s dreams are shattered when he is arrested in a desperate effort to help his drug-dependent mother, Liz, who scrapes by working as a masseuse. Determined to get their lives back on track, Liz moves the two of them into a guesthouse on the vast country estate of her ex-client, the aging aristocratic billionaire, Ogden C. Osbourne. In Osbournes close world of privilege and power, Finn and Liz encounter a tribe fiercer and more mysterious than anything they might find in the South American jungle: the super rich. While Liz battles her substance abuse and struggles to win back her son'’s love and trust, Finn falls in love with Osbourne'’s beautiful granddaughter, Maya, befriends her charismatic older brother, Bryce and even wins the favor of Osbourne himself. But when a shocking act of violence shatters Finn's ascension within the Osbourne clan, the golden promises of this lush world quickly sour. And both Finn and Liz, caught in a harrowing struggle for their dignity, discover that membership always comes at a price'…

Contrasting the mores of high society with the blunt savagery of primitive tribes, FIERCE PEOPLE takes an inside look at the upper classes, examining the darkness that lurks beneath the surface of good manners. Sporting a biting wit, this unflinching book exposes the trappings of wealth and privilege, and their overwhelming power to both seduce and corrupt.

So yeah it's a good read, this weeks book was 'Hotel Honolulu' by Paul Theroux.
Theroux's other great books that i recommend to anyone are, Mosquito Coast and Millroy The Magician.
And one other book from one of my fave writers Paul Auster, Mr. Vertigo, which i gave to jake, Austers work is well known, he achieved litery acclaim after starving in Paris, i discovered him early and was pleased to see that he got the recognition he deserved. If you want to check him out, i recommend Moon Palace.

you quoting poe to the sikh parking inspector

i read that in sk's blog this morning and thought, far out that's the best line ever written, i mean it's just perfect, Fuck i wish i wrote it. i love that line, its speaks volumes and conjures images, its 8 perfect words strewn together that almost invoke an unwritten novel.

its been a funny old day today, me wandering around in the rain, trying to find the end of the rainbow, it came outta no where, pan and i just kind of saw it there in all its glory, even though that light shower drenched us, the wind had this cold bite, the sun just came through, sparkle in the rain, we were at the foot of the rainbow, i thought all that was impossible but there we was, the clouds looking all ominous and biblical, i was pulled from my actions and something hit me, strange thoughts.
If a child is sexually abused and that is it's first sexual experience, it will always associate sex with feeling bad, perhaps go on to choose sexual experiences that instill shame, perhaps choose partners that make them match their imprinted sex circuit. so how does one re imprint this sexual anomaly so that relationships can be more satisfying and wholesome.
it's a strange thought to have when you get to the end of the rainbow, but there it was. it has a certain relevance, i spent a lot of years working with both survivors and perps of sexual abuse, plus i have a few close friends who have shared their horrific stories about their sexual abuse history and i thought about specific people and the relationships they had and sure enough, they were all (or so it seems) in relationships where the abuse was constantly re enacted or kept alive. the sexual experience is one of the most powerful experiences any individual can have, yet the stats for csa (child sexual abuse) in Australia is huge, epidemic even. So here is a population of people that have never dealt with these issues or only scratched the surface, who continually place themselves in situations where they can re experience the shame of sex. Now this may take many forms, the most common is sex with an unloving partner, in the morning, i guess everyone goes their own separate ways (these days known as a fuck buddy) yet there is inevitably a feeling that is empty, hollow and unfulfilling with this experience.
Does it always come from sexual abuse, no. I' ve had plenty of sexual experiences where the anninomity makes the experience a turn on, however i am concious of this and piolet my own experience.
It stems from the general feeling of self worth and image that people have about themselves, 'i don't deserve love.' Girls are great examples at this because we all know how they operate, attracted to the men that are somewhat indifferent, hostile, loud, brash, rude and aggressive to them, why? When the loving, sensitive, caring guy gets walked all over.
Men know how to keep their women, the old adage 'treat them mean keep them keen' having been part of the secret brotherhood for many years still works effectively, only now it seems to be the women that use it and the men that act as pawns. However that's a different story, the fact is most men play the role of mean partner because that's what is expected to maintain a good relationship with their partner. I know this as most men do. And sadly it works, women are plugged into the game. For example, given the right pheromone activity, if a man wants to maintain interest with a specific girl, he just keeps detatched, acts indifferent. This could be a genetic thing, women attract to good mates who have good dna but they often mistake that loud, aggressive, indifferent approach for a sign of strength or leadership, yet we know that it's just a sign of loudest primate. Hence the loud beer soaked dumb sporty type always gets the girl, the literate, philosophical, quiet achiever never gets the girl, yet he is the strongest, with the most suitable dna.
women make this mistake over and over, it's a mistake that can cost us civilization, select your breeding partner well, don't confuse aggression with strength, think of the tree and the blade of grass, in the wind, which one breaks?

emilie the beautiful french girl managed to infiltrate Mission Control last night. how the fuck does that work, i'm completely disarmed with her precense, and that drop dead georgous hair colour, the sexy fucking accent, and the strange pheremones which have travelled back and forwards through time, it's obvious to both of us we are kind of perfect together but she is kinda crazy, a slow genuis, it may take her a while to figure it all out.
anyway we had a lot of fun, and towards the end of the evening i had to drive her home, my self will was feeling weakened and vunerable, resolve diminished. Later we played the text message game, but it's pointless when the inevitable truth is so obvious.

intresting debates about the advertizing of junk food directed towards children at the moment, as awareness increases we find a generation of children are obese due to a diet of macdonalds and kfc. there's a vast number of people who feel that they don't want these companies advertising their foods, in the same way ciggarrettes were advertised. There's a bigger picture though that every one seems to overlook, its the way children are exploited by marketers and advertisers, this is just brainwashing, it's been happening for years in schools where we send our children to be what we call educated, as long as they don't think for themselves.
I once made the mistake of doing that in school, and ended up being severly punished.
the problem is not these fat kids or abese lazy dumb ones its the fact that there's so much over population on planet earth, most of its human inhabitants are just bulk or mass. Inevitably they have very little purpose as an integral part of the organism, keep em dumb, hooked on foods that kill the brain, plugged into sports and soap operas, reality tv, silly pop songs, religions, fake politics, lost causes and dellusions, illusions misguided conclusions, see how they offer their young up for slaughter, sacrifice.

Superstrings for beginners

What are the particales of the world we see?
the notes on the string

what is chemistry?
the melodies on the string

what are the laws of physics?
the laws of harmonies on string

what is the universe?
the sympony of the strings

what is the mind of God?
music resonating through hyperspace

beautiful stuff, now go listen to the church (the band not the institutional doctrine of jesus)

What's wiv these knuckle heads running the planet like its some sort of freaking franchise. profit margins, exploitation of resources, pumping the atmosphere full of toxins, killing the little fish kills the big fish, i was watching a polar bear swimming, very cool, beautiful big mass of cuddly fur, with a kind canine face, swimming in the artctic waters looking for a place to climb up upon, yeah it was searching for ice. But you see my friends there was none, its all melted. fast forwards residents of LA swimming through the remains of the Mall downtown, submerged. Shark swims by, who's laughing now.

andrew denton - for those that don't know is considered one of Australian leading interviewers, rated as an intellectual media personality, quick witted and sharp as a razors edge. Well I have to say andrew denton is a great reason why i do not support the left. he asks stupid questions, provocative and riddled with bias, yet they lack any sort of information analysis, and often people don't have the brains to counter his perspective. he is constantly asking his guests to slag of howard and bush with him and the only person i ever saw stand up to his miss information was Bono, who when told by Denton that all the Replublican Party were war mongers whom followed a Fundamental Christian agenda, he was very quick to respond. 'No they are not, that's just propaganda, there is no republican born again agenda, most of them are methodist, the republican party is not what people think it is. Bono also confessed that Bush had done more for Africa than any other President in the history of the US. While Denton scrambled to find a way to continue his attacks on GB Bono proceeded to explain how he tracked down one by one the richest industrialists and power brokers in the US and one by one, he convinced them to his 'debt campaign.' To the actual point that they are very much committed to the cause.
Now this is the type of stuff you will never see in any socialist country, sure capitalism is a dumb, short term solution to politics and economics but it's a hell of a lot better than the other systems we have so far.
Until something else comes along i call myself a capitalist. Don't mean anything other than the fact, i have the freedom to acquire personal wealth. Andrew Denton once had the cheek to ask ex labor leader how much he donated in the tusami appeal, he was looking for some cheap shot after Lathem had held his own in the interview, and Lathenm told him, 'the finantial status of my family is the business of my family, it's not public.' Once again AD looking disgruntled at missing the big scoop.

feeling very quiet today, needing some down time, home alone

nice little tangent at mission control last night, very yummy chocolates from an ancient mayan source, a glass of classy red, a Babylonian friend to snuggle with, yep it was a cozy evening, despite the spirit of hugh heffner being evoked, suddenly the idea of many bunnies became desirable but i was quite happy to settle for one, although the thoughts of girls with tails seemed rather difficult to shake.
so this am i am down the rd, scanning the old newspapers and miss information, generally not really very present at all, me mind is wandering, looking for loop holes and kinks in the system, often i find them using my multi layered quasi dimentional disassociation, detachment techniques, most people use drugs but me, i am just naturally wired that way. so yeah i 'm slipping into unobserved space, gazing at strange little shapes forming before me, one such entity plants these ideas in my head.

information superhighways
velocity limits
time could be a one way street
if you took notice of the conformity agents
but time is just an excuse to slow down
and stop everything happening at once
and if everything happened at once
it would look like this....

and revelation
fractal image but organic, pulsing with life and intelligence, every changing, shape shifting, both large and small, up and down, inside and out, everywhere and no where, the universe has a face and its sexy, it wants to play, it's erotic baby, it's not words or pictures, symbol or sign, it's just one sexy babe and she wants to make love. My Universe is female.

Been listening to some rolling stones at mission control and i think i preffer them when they make that kind of sexy, funky vibe, not the r and b that they are most famous for but songs like these:

fingerprint file
emotional rescue
if i was a dancer
everythings turned to gold
waiting on a friend
miss you
to much blood
slave

man i love that vibe, they do it so well, subtle and classy, listen to that sax in miss you, that's just a fucking sexy sax.

greetings and salutations peoples of planet earth
what a beautiful planet it is, days like these were meant to be sanctified into mind, be conscious of it brothers and sisters, becuase time is running out for us, days are numbered, and it's not 12345, it's not 54321 but it's close. but don't worry about me, i won't be here, i'll have evolved back into H2O from where i came. Water is a sexy thing, i'm very turned on by the thought.

start yr own cult
the tenant's for starting a cult are quite simple, ya just need a good marketing strategy, lets have a look at scientology which some call a religion, some call cult, some call science of mind, it's no real difference to Buddhism really, just a smarter update sprung from the mind of a second rate science fiction writer who actually stole the idea from the brilliant Crowley. Yeah so basically all ya really need is a good belief system, this operates on a number of levels, each level slightly moe revelationary than the next. the most important factor often overlooked by less smarter cults are the exclusive memberships, for example christianity and islam seem to attract a lot of dumb people, okay massive generalization, but the facts are there, whereas scientology and say, the raelists often attract smart intelligent folks who are convincing in an way faith is not.
the idea of mixing a sci fi concept with a belief system is not new, judaism is massively influenced by the idea of extra terrestrial agencies, the book of Enoch being the most popular, the idea of the Elohim, one could say that the old testament is the first sci- fi book, although most of that originates from ancient summeria. the fact is we can't dispute these ideas unless we incorporate them into our lives first hand.
scientology says that from conception the humans are surrounded by negative energy fields that effect our personality, the emotions of the parents towards the child, feelings of inadequacy, events through childhood stay with us into adult life, these energies can only be addressed buy a system that scientogists call auditing, as you move up through the ranks, the 'clearer' you become. This proccess continues until you reach the higher levels where the next process assumes earth and humanity has been invaded by two warring empires from various parts of the galaxy. So imagine spending thousands of dollers 'clearing' yourself and then being asked to take on this belief, the investment is to strong, momentum has already reached tipping point, this is the priniple on which cults work. now you have this belief you find it difficult to share it with non- tribe peoples, i mean they are going to think you insane, therefore your circle of tribe becomes smaller, tus re enforcing your beliefs. any threat, like me or my friend Proffessor Leary results in defensive behaviour.
This application can be used from the society of cults and religions to the society of mind and individuals. The solution. Recognise information cults carry, believe nothing unless tested under strict circumstances, extreeme enviroments and conditions and cross cultures, use the idea that nothing is true, everything is permitted and question everything, including your conclusions.

I was down the street this morning where i scored me some memory. In aberdeen, the wind cutting through my bones like hot razor blades, i was younger but my mind was ancient and the strange north sea energy intilled fear and awe, there was this girl who oozed sexuality, she was like a temptress beckoning me with her warm curves. I could feel the magnetic pull, the tension between our bodies generated it's own power, a strange gravity, i wanted to sink into her flesh and find warmth. This is was the beginning of my almost ledgendary quest for heat in sexuality, like a heat seeking vampyre, i needed to quench that chill, that alien ice that had kept me frozen, and sex was always about heat, sucking it from the female flesh until it could no longer offer me the comfort i needed.
West Berlin, the same energy, all my relationships with girls for a long time were about heat, warm my bones, my blood, my soul. In fact I wrote a story about this, it's called, 'the vampyre of west berlin' but unfortunatly it was stolen by another Vampyric personality and ex girlfriend whose name cannot be mentioned here.

being without my fin felt like being without a large part of my neo cortex, yes i was floundering on the verge of lizard consciousness, then one spare hour whilst in babylon i wandered into the surf shop, 'beach without sand' and found myself a beautiful translucent blue fin going cheap, as i explained to the man, 'this is technology at it's finest, it's the only example of technology that really makes any scense, it's the point in human evolution where we went wrong (coming out of the water) and now we are correcting it,' he listened to my ramblings as though i had just confirmed to him, my madness, but he took my money and i have a new blue translucent fin.

my blue translucent pod
makes me feel like a demi god
cuts the water slices space and time
sure feels good to be this divine
and little neptune and all his girls
come and dance in this watery world
like a drug from the amazon
my seretonin levels are aplomb
ah drifting out in the arms of love
with the gaze of heaven up above
one wonders things sublime
like this little ego of mine
and Poseidon and all his wives
swimming in and out, through our lives
yeah we feel so luminously entwined
in the presence of the numinously aligned
my blue translucent pod
makes me feel like a demi god

yeah i love my new pod, its a beautiful thing. out there the water was 23 degrees of pure bliss, waves perfect and i was thinking about emotional things, water being its metaphor and all, yeah emotions, the bane of human existence, what's old captain mission impossible have to say about them today.
well emotions are our instruments, they come with the hardware and just like the hardware they need to be calibrated. Calibration of emotions requires a range of experience, one can't just decide to control emotions, you need to explore their extremities, how far do they go, where do they become destructive, well it don't take a genius to work out that many a person is in jail for a murder they committed due to an uncontrollable rage, so we all have to concede that emotions can reach dangerous extremes but consider the emotional range you have at your disposal, let's explore all of them cos there's a lot but if you are smart we can split them into two groups, fear and love. the various other sub sections are just precision instruments, eventually you can just discard them and operate with the two principles of fear and love. once your emotions are calibrated, you need to understand why they exist, this is quite a simple process and although hard to follow intellectually, one can follow it intuitively. emotions exist because we give birth to them, lets choose a random one from the ether, for example, I feel jealous that my neighbor has a better car than me.
okay we can put this in the fear category, insecure because i was under the belief that the newer the car one possesses the more wealth and prosperous one is and to the monkey mind wealth equals power and status. so my insecurity gave birth to a jealous energy, a kind of being that has a life of its own, it often emerges and grows with each pang of emotion i feel when i see my neighbor's car. So now this jealous energy field is a massively powerful and forceful presence, separate from the real me, it is uncontrollable and i am embarrassed by it. So what does it want?
It wants to be experienced
It wants to be understood
It wants to be acknowledged
It wants to be loved
Once these four aspects of your friendly energy field has been exhausted then it will disappear. it has no reason to exist.
The formula applies to almost any emotional state. this little piece of 'mental technology' is like a little alogrithm for your brain to play with, try it, experiment, test it out, it works, free yourself, if ya dare.


after my surf i came back to mission control and had a long chat with the lovely sue c who moderates the church site and seems to know the band well, we spoke for about an hour at least and it was fantastic to chat with some one who feels the same way i do about this incredible band, we confessed to one another about how often we are just in tears when we see them, it's inexplicable and embarressing but unless you see such remarkable events like a church show then you can never appreciate the energy of what they do.
later i had a pleasant evening at planet autism, where i sang a few songs to my clients and a co worker, ahhh, i love my work.

was reading about a time when the gov. general of australia william dean went to a remote aboriginal station in the NT and apologized for the deaths of aboriginal peoples at the hands of whites. strangely the event did not occur, it was a fabrication that has been disproved. however when GG was told he said it didn't matter.
but it does.
It matters if one invests any belief in history, personally i say forget history, it's really not important unless you are willing to learn from it, make you're own history but don't try to sell it to me, i don't believe ya.
things i learnt from history
never mix tequila with milk
don't travel with stupid people
never take the english channel ferry with english football supporters high on beer
most humans are dumb animals
it repeats itself to the point of tedium
all political revolutionaries and leaders start with good intentions and end up second rate dictators
the earth will take care of everything
some memes are better than others

Okay, well enough of that.

reading new scientist this morning there was a short article about the few scientists experimenting with lsd, mostly in therapeutic settings, interestingly they find it hard to get funding as the major funders are drug companies and lsd being an effective drug for most emotional difficulties is only needed in one session only, or maybe three max, but because it's not something that needs to be taken again and again, like insulin for diabetics, these companies won't invest. nice to know your friendly neighbor hood drug company has your health as its priority, pass that Molotov.

professor Leary sent me a nice e mail, which went something like this

dig your blog. some kinda alternate personality quark-thing linking 2 you's cybertronicly. i like the concept of simultaneous capt. missions existing according to spacetime, broadcast electronicly with digitally masked weirdos plugging into their chosen bytes. right on...
me, im hacking together a formula for information; i~ = c(speed of light) x n(entropy)2 x p10(potential). i figure that once information (i~) cant be quanticized it can be reorganized cyberneticly. i think dmt is important as it allows brief holidays to dimensions that overlap with ours, where info is organized according to slightly different principles (ie. the above equantion might include 'speed of light + 1' etc).
i like your emotional bent in your blog. ive tended to see emotions as a necessary by-product of information crashing into the neurosystem (the closer the velocity the cleaner the by-product the less volatile the emotional excess), so i like your more surfer-like approach to exploring the valleys and peaks boots and all. C7 style. i myself take a more supernova approach and allow for the occasional boom of critical mass/event horizon crashing. if you know what i mean.
whatever you do, don't be careful. please walk on the grass

ha, now you all know why i miss him.


well i recall reading old Maslows Hierarchy of needs at skool, the pyramid shaped diagram and thinking, 'mmm it's upside down.'

Yeah old Maslow had put self realization up the top of his triangle as if an almost luxury, in contrast to the more physiological needs of human experience, yet if we look at self actualization as 'meaning within ones life', then ultimatly it becomes the most significant part of human experience. the inside of our life can be filled with meaning but beneath the gaze of eternity from outside there is none that makes sence. this is the absurdity. I guess mental institutions are filled with people who have meaning and purpose.
for many years i though that my life had no meaning, this was my meaning, everything is meaningless, it made me very unpopular, recently i discovered that this concept is known as 'absurdity.' so absurdity is the point at which we acknowledge our societies are built upon weak foundations, constructs and maya. Now i seem to have found some 'meaning' both outside myself and inside and both work in harmony, things are less absurd and more magickal. the meaning that i found is the reflective process that the mind is capable of manifestating, and the way one can influence it seems to be the theme that runs through this blog. more later.

v for vendetta - feeling helpless, feeling like ya need a little something, generally people feel impotent against their governments, in australia it's more an apathy but here's a flick that will make ya wanna hurl a molotov cocktail at yr local member, it's excellent and reaffirms my belief that Guy Fawkes was the only man with honourable intentions ever to be in parliment.

...meanwhile back at Mission Control some weird sort of systems failure in the old steam driven computer seemed to need a new drive to fix up, swapping software from one drive to another i got confused, needed some assistance from more technical minded people, fortunately i have friends with this type of brain power, me i can't change a light bulb.

q. How many captain missions does it take to change a light bulb
a. lights have bulbs?

emilie and i went to see steve kilbey play at the sandringham, met a few friends, drank a few drinks and settled in for the entertainment, excellent show, lots of racontering and beautiful music,
'neverness hoax'
'already yesterday'
'tristess'
'day 5'
'shadow cabinet'
'providence'
'pretty ugly pretty sad'
'the main one'
and hosts of other popular songs we know and love, it was beautiful. i managed to give steve my hand fin and some fave cds.

downstairs the sexy french girl and i drank asbinthe and the conversation went along the lines off,
'you know you are perfect for me.'
'yes i know.'
'but i'd destroy you eventually.'
'no. you would n't destroy me, but you may destroy yourself. eventually.'
'if we had a relationship it would be like a game, all relationships are games, i would have to win.'
'what happens if i choose not to play.'
'mmm, then there's no game.'
'and i'd win.'
'well if i slept with you then at least you'd make me orgasm.'
long pause, while millions of answers drift through my head but i just say,'yes.'
'maybe i should just sleep with you.'
'that's not going to happen.'
'what! you mean if i can't come home with you.'
'you're very welcome to come home,there is a spare froom for you.'
'what if i wore suspenders, could you resist?'
'i'd say no.'
'you couldn't.'
'i could.'
'no, i don't believe it.'
'do you want to put money on it?'
nervous hesitation, 'you wouldn't sleep with me?'
'i wouldn't sleep with you if you did not love me 100% and i would n't sleep with you when you're drunk.'
'you a perfect.'
'i'm not perfect but i am perfect for you.'
'you're really annoying.'

i drive her home, she's kind of cute.

well here i am undercover at my office, attempting to post my first entry from outside of Mission Control.
Lets see what can i tell you about today, i guess i just sat around playing guitar and writing songs for hours this morning, my electronic tuner is a fantastic device for getting my strings all sounding crisp and fresh but i admit it takes me a while to nail it.
Well the beautiful emilie had me pick her up this afternoon, where she preceded to tell me yet again about her evenings sexual exploits with the flat mate, me i am feeling depressed, actually i considered telling her about one of mine but figured what the hell, i don't want to bait her, she may just end up going nuts on me, anyway she did look nice in her newly dyed red hair, 'drop dead georgous red' i said, she smiled and looked at me coyly in a non sexual way, manipulated me into buying her some cigarettes and running some errands,'you're like the femme fatale from some dectective movie.' I'm just the dumb PI.' Then she flashed me a smile.
Anyway being full of love is hard work when you have people like emilie around ya, except emilie has this great brain. Yeah i don't really even need her body, just the brain will do thanks. I'll keep it in a glass box next to my pet octopus and my jellyfish tank, it will be suspended in a dark green liquid, supplied all nutrients and have this disembodied voice, sexy and french eminatting from speakers hidden in my rooms, occasionally she will have to watch helplessly as i have sex with various girls i bring home. Mmm, okay it's just a weird fantasy but i never said i wasn't wierd.

Home made Pizzas
the base
mushrooms
black sliced olives
pesto
goats cheese
garlic

spread the pesto over the base, add loads of sliced mushrooms, garlic, olives and hunks of goats cheese, stick in oven till the base goes light brown, enjoy.

i am filled with love, it radiates from my solar plexus, glorious yellows eminate from me and i send it all your way, my friends.

nervous and exhuasted, awake for 36 hours, driving home to mission control, i eventually threw myself into the shower when the phone rings, emilie broken down, i offered to assist as any anti hero would, drive out to meet her at the garage, we go for a drink, me peppermint tea her beer, as the moon hangs over the water, crowds of youth next to us in the throws of hormonal activity, reality shape shifts, my will is weak, heart heavy and my soul is slipping into realms of strangeness, where words get jumbled, thrown into the whirlpool of mixed emotions and confusion, this is the place where things happen, but tonight it's emile talking about kiting, the wind and tangled lines and i confess, i was not hearing words just that voice. when i looked into her eyes they were ablaze, maybe it was the moon light, but they were on cold fire.
i heard how she fucked her friend again, how she needed to play his game and win, how she enjoys the game and slowley everything disolved and i was melting, the universe was melting, everything melting, then i gave her the cd i made, it was called 'melting' so it seemed appropriate. briefly we spoke about dreams and i told her about my tiger dream (located elsewhere in this blog) then she drew me a picture of a little red riding hood, dominatrix version, i asked her what was in the basket and she drew a pair of handcuffs, which i knew she was going to draw. my knowledge of her is uncanny, i feel as if i know so much more than she does, i feel as though nothing can surprise me anymore, but i am so tired and distortion creeps in, doing its thing, i know my limits, i know when i am defeated, i know that i can never be defeated, i know to much, the secrets of the universe, the revelations, the physics of it, the mystery, the beautiful truth and it's paradox. Me.

those that know me would confess that i am prone to a number of obsessive compulsive habits, the main one being, keeping my house clean ie. vacuming and dusting, but following that comes cleaning my teeeth, and my love of effective toothbrushes. The best product i have used is a new one, it's toothbrush with some sort of moter within, it's designed with an on button and an off button, it's remarkable, it's beautiful to look at, and does a very good job. I clean my teeth about four to five times a day, i do my floors twice a week. My other OCB is books and bookshops.

last night, emilie upset that the uni course she had chosen was a six year course and not a three year one, i reassurred her that it would be fine, i was certain that there are three year courses in phychology.
later we spoke about things between us

'well ya better hurry up and fall in love with me.'
'that's not going to happen.'
'you need a plan b'
'i know.'
'you could just face the inevitable. Ressistance is futile.'
'you are a freak.'
'yeah and you're perfect for me.'
'i know. we should get trashed and drink asbenthe one night.'
'sure, i'll drink asbenthe with you, but i ain't going to have sex with you.'
'mmm, good. i don't believe in fairy tales.'
'fairy tails usually are about sex or death anyway.'
emilie starts this brilliant treatese on the genesis of little red riding hood, the way the story evolved and the significance of it.
'lets just get married.'
'no you're my best friend.'
'perfect, everyone should marry their best friend.'
'no. why.'
'cos what's the point of not.'
'mmm.'
'anyway i was thinking maybe i'd have to marry you, it would be very difficult for me but if it meant you staying in the country i'd do it.
'it would destroy you.'
'yeah it would hurt but you know, i been around the block, i could deal with it.'
'fuck no, i'd feel bad.'
'look it's not my style to make you feel bad, you know you don't have to feel bad about anything, its not your fualt.'
'you should have turned up 10 years ago.'
'10 years ago you was under age.'
'that's true, i was also in a padded cell. you should have rescued me.'
'that's a fairy tale, besides i had other shit to do.'
'there's always so many things happening to me.'
'you need to learn disipline, you need to be still and let these situations surface, they need space to manifest.'
'i can't do disipline, it's like the army, boring.'
'martial arts will teach you now go to sleep, you have an early start.'
'goodnight. you are annoying.'
'don't fall in love with me.'

it's been a fucking long day and i am feeling a bit tired, my heads spinning a bit cos me neighbor confessed she was having a breakdown and proceeded to breakdown, girls tend to do this a lot with me due to my feminine nature, but i always feel awkward none the less, it's me hands, i never know what do do, i mean if it was my girlfriend or something i'd hold them but my neighbor and i always keep our boundaries well defined, besides i hate people getting to close to me, every one of my friends will tell ya, i'm an elusive bastard.
well fortunately through my tired cells came some clarity and i was able to offer some good advice, so here it is.
If you are fortunate to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown or be in the midst of some kind of post traumatic stress then here's what ya need to know.

1. Always think that you are not having a breakdown, it is actually a break through.
2. Break throughs are rites of passage, you're going to meet your god or goddess but ya have to face death (metaphorically)
3. They are a normal response to the world and it's constructs
4. If it dosn't kill ya it will make ya stronger
5. Man cannot discover new lands unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.
6. It will pass and in retrospect it will be the best thing that ever happened to you.
7. Navigate your responsibilities but do not be attached to maya

So women men on the verge of a nervous breakthrough, enjoy the ride, face your fears, its a beautiful thing.

I was feeling pretty weird myself, i mean the amazing french girl is fucking some one else, and i'm possibly just her means to an end, i guess she don't need to marry me anymore. i'm good at letting go, i had a lot of practice, it looks like it's going to be me and Pansy and Jake, that's a pretty good outcome and if i am honest, although slightly sad, it's all good, everything is perfect, i walked down to the beach and looked at the moon, it was georgous.
On the news, Venus has a case of runaway global warming, maybe we came from there, i always believed in that panspermic theory. Wonder what's next, after we trash this one.

making a compilation cd requires a lot of thought, i never like to do these things half heartedly, the choice of music should have some thematic flow, and obviously when you create one for a friend you like there is an intent perhaps within the choice that is or has been unsaid, unspoken or unconcious. giving someone a comp cd is an act of near perfect communication as far as i can see, music being a vibration, carries information in an undiluted form.
so making a cd for the french girl was quite demanding, err there's the obvious love songs and stuff, but there's also the fact that i wanna communicate the uncommuicatable. so music being a nurishment for my soul each cut was choice and i have been playing it over and over, re arranging the sequence and it's feeling.
i slept about 6 hours last night, dreamed deeply while outside in the world war raged, children were enslaved, famine moved swifter than a falling guilotine, polititions memories went blank, and more locally a gang of 'middle eastern men' stabbed a man in my street, death in the night. i always have a chess board handy.

things to do today, write letter to....

Berlin
Germany

Martin

Beginnings, middles and ends.

It’s a paradox to think that such things exist, certainly in my own life the idea of sequence is as illusionary as the rest of reality, yeah it just seems like yesterday we were making music together, planning a small poppy field in our courtyard, catching the last rays of that sunlight before the terrible winter set in, me, i vividly recall 'waiting for my man' the happy acustic version, remember passing out in the medical supply shop falling flat on my face, being lifted up with spliff in hand, yet it also seems like another lifetime and then again maybe it was a few years in the future, ha, the fact is it don’t matter, time and space, thoughts and meanings, let’s just say here we are.

I started writing a blog a few months ago, I felt that it would be an interesting experiment, that I had lived long enough to have something people may want to learn from or laugh at.

I can’t say that my life has been less than extraordinary, I was always one to struggle between free will and destiny, now I realise they are the same thing.

I guess in terms of what happened to me, we need some kind of perspective so excuse me if I revert to some kind of chronological order, it’s not something I do often but I think it may be acceptable in this case.

 

So I found myself living in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife in a beautiful Sydney suburb, surrounded by a domestic cacoon of love and safety, life had become strange, I was responsible, I was a father, a home owner, I scored a proper job, I went from being a sort of extreme loner, an individual to a very normal one, I even inherited a set of friends, it was quite strange as it fulfilled a need in me, a false imprint that this is what we do. I mean we marry, have children, own things, get a job and old, die….yeah, I guess it was some sort of dna thing on top of all that middle class bullshit programming.

When the union failed under bizarre circumstances, I found myself alone again, no family, no home, no job, in fact I had four dollars to my name, I decided then, at that point in time that gary was dead. Captain Mission was born.

I lived in a strange building, it was an ex salvation army counselling HQ, I was lost Martin, a tragic ending or was it a beginning, I am still uncertain. Anyway one night I was starving, I pulled the four dollars from my big black berlin trench coat, and I went across the rd in pouring rain, I was saturated, that coat was not water proof. Anyway I floated towards the neon sign which advertised a Vietnamese restaurant in cinematic glory. I pulled out my four dollars and asked if I could buy anything with it. The old guy looked at me without pity and said I could buy some rice, boiled. The kindness of strangers is a rare thing on this particular planet, every one is scared, everyone lives in fear.

Rice after about a week of no food, was something that sounded wonderful, it was hot food Martin, in a plastic tub, all that heat trapped waiting to be released, and it had peas in it, I could see the little green spheres suspended in the white texture and that seductive heat, you know I have always loved heat. We made a transaction and I ran back home, I recall I was bare feet, I recall the headlights of cars in the rain, their reflection on the wet road, I recall searching for my front door key in the darkness.

I stood in the kitchen, it was pitch black, there was no electricity, no furniture, nothing really, just the drips falling from me onto the lino, I could hear my heart beating, the rain outside and my stomachs pure lust for food, I must have looked pathetic there in the corner. An empty soul in an empty house.

I peeled of the lid from the carton and a wave of steam emerged. Martin I know what this sounds like but when you have nothing, the simple smell of cooked food, even rice, is everything. The poet, William Blake wrote about the ‘world existing in a grain of sand’ well for me Martin the world existed in that tub. I was so happy to have food, I may even have shed tears. But like all things in my life, it came in paradox for I had no spoons, no forks, no chairs to even sit down, no plates, in fact I had nothing to eat my rice with, except as I searched empty drawer after empty drawer I did find one solitary plastic tea strainer, so I ate my rice with this, pushing the flexible sieve filled with rice upwards with my fingers towards my mouth. As I ate my meal, my life split in two forks, the one where I broke down and cried or the one I fortunately chose, the one where I just laughed and laughed and laughed, I had reached the absolute depths of despair, I was the killing joke man, at the door way of the chapel perilous, I laughed and laughed like a mad man going slowly mad.

Jump four years forwards – I am now re invented, its been a dark journey, but I have to move forwards, re- establishing my self, building some artificial constructs again, things on which to hang my identity, and I find myself in another domestic situation, this time I am living with a Canadian girl and her bi girlfriend, yeah it’s a kind of weird set up but I was happy, just having a home felt good, my ego was very slowly being reconstructed, although there was a small irritation that I was not really where I was supposed to be, I mean for any other guy it was a perfect set up, two girls who seemed to dig me, and one another. I mean it’s a bohemians dream right, but all I knew was something was not right in me, I still felt an incredible loss, a loss that I could not escape no matter what I did, sex, drugs,a new ego I mean it’s all here man, Sydney is the hedonistic epicentre, the more I indulged the more I hated it and one day I walked out. Again with nothing. But this time I had some sense of destiny orbiting my mind, I was resourceful, I had survived weird shit before, I followed the eternal dao, I surrendered and I knew I was on a spiritual journey, I knew this was what was missing from my life, the space I needed to fill, would never be sated by trivial pursuits, it was a void within my very soul, it was a disconnection with my destiny. So in order to re- establish that, I ended up hitching, only to be picked up by an old aboriginal man,and friend Francis Firebrace, he drove me to the end of the road and there I gazed at the pacific, the day was beautiful, it was blue sky, blue water, and the horizon stretched out before me within reach. I felt so content, I decided to just stay and live on the beach for a few days. I had resources, money and stuff, but I liked the freedom, the space to think, I did not really want walls around me anymore or people, I didn’t want the complexity that people bring.

I did not know it but it was nearly xmas, a few days away. I swam every day, wandered the beach, it was kind of strange, alien to Europe but something in me enjoyed this simplicity, I avoided people and kept myself to myself. It was Firebrace himself who found me, living on a rock, I was living more like an aboriginal than he was, ironic?. He saw me swimming one morning and waved me to him. I think he was concerned about me, I mean genuinely worried about me. He invited me to xmas lunch at his friends place where he was staying a certain personality known as Madame Lash.

Lash lived in a huge mansion, a house usually frequented by the extreme individuals of Sydney, rock stars, high class call girls, famous artists, politicians on their days off, the odd novelist and a handful of drifting lost souls. She started life as the owner of a b and d establishment in the 60’s, one of her clients and English lord bought her the house and now she runs various ventures, even had her own political party known as the extra dimensionalist party, which although nieve had a great look. Lash was also an artist, a very talented lady, who was smart to, despite her excessive drug use. Incredibly she was ‘tripping’ through xmas dinner with her husband, and her husbands family, who were a very proper English upper class lot, I felt like I was in the middle of a Peter Greenway movie, it was kind of surreal. Lash turned out to be very impressed with me and offered to put me up for a while, I think it was my knowledge of the Sydney b and d scene, as the Canadian girl was into the whole lifestyle, any way’s I ended up staying with them for a while, it was kinda like being back in Berlin again but I had this imperative to sort my self out and after a couple of weeks moved out into a small place of my own.

The next few years I devoted exploring myself, it was something that I needed to do, I felt battered from life and weak so I decided that I needed to challenging myself and grow. I wanted to build a new identity and new parts of my personality were emerging, parts which I wanted to explore while maintaining a reasonably responsible life. I knew that to be a man meant being responsible and I wanted to meet this challenge above all others, I learnt how to be independent, physically, emotionally, spiritually and sexually, an enforced period of celibacy. The other challenges where things like conquering my fear of moths, people, big surf, social situations, heights and the obvious one death.

Simultaneously I was offered a part in a movie which lead to other parts and I began to take on acting as a side line, scored a few appearances on tv, gradually I was cast on a number of shows, usually as a undercover cop or a drug dealer, ha.    I played out my ‘bad boy’ fantasies.

I met some interesting folks, the most memorable was William Hurt.

Anyway’s once I felt I could act, I took on new skills, a friend of mine taught me how to fire twirl, another took me up a huge cliff and we jumped over the edge into the ocean, then I became a cocktail waiter in a gay bar and emersed myself in gay culture, was even made an honorary lesbian. Then I then worked with homeless kids, drug addicts, gradually I took on more challenges and the people around me became slightly awed by my persona, I knew that adoration was not something I sought and perhaps it was time to disappear, so one new years I retreated. At midnight I privately invoked in ritual the sum total of all the fear I need to face in my lifetime, I wanted top meet that fear and face it in one fowl swoop.    

Martin, you have always known my interest in magick and mysticism, it is very much part of me, i dabbled with it when i was younger as a teenagers inquiring mind would and yet in my life the patterns and meanings have all been directed towards realising my responsibility to this path and the threads of a power that has grown and grown, not through group work or any form of subversive tradition, no this is the will I spoke of, the union of will and destiny, it is inescapable Martin. I have to wield this well, I have to respect the universes wishes, it’s intelligent and beautiful and it operates through me as much as I through it.

Well after invoking the sum of my fear I drifted back to my unassuming lifestyle, however things happened very fast. Within a week I had broken my arms, elbows, knees, legs, I had cracked my skull in a bike accident. Apparently I walked back from the accident to the dinner party I had left and knocked upon the door, my words to the surprised hosts where, ‘I am terribly sorry to disturb you but I think….’ At which point I passed out.

I awoke in hospital. People came every day, they smuggled me out so that I could go to the beach, they brought me hash cakes and wheeled me around nurses quarters, after 4 weeks I was released but I had no where to go, friends took me in and I had to undergo the humiliation of having my every need attended to, this can be useful because humility is a lesson that we all need to learn, it’s the first lesson after thinking you are independent.

After a week I grabbed my x rays and took them down to the beach each sunrise, I meditated and visualized the bones joining together and healing. The Drs couldn’t believe it, in three weeks they were cutting of the plaster and I was climbing trees.

I laughed, thinking that was my lesson but the lesson of humility is  the hardest lesson of all.

Let’s jump forwards a few months again, I am living with two girls again, something I always seem to do, (even now I live above two girls) it’s a very loving relationship, the girls are actresses and artists, we live in an big old house on a cliff-face, the wind howls through the house in evenings, the girls bake coconut macaroons and paint my nails and everything is perfect. Then I fall in love.

(A romantic tangent to the main narrative)

Yeah right outta the blue with a freaking amazing girl, she’s one of the smartest girls I ever met, a journalist, a mix off Hong Kong, New Zealand, English, American, anyway as usual there’s complications, she is about to assist her boyfriend get permanent residency by marring him, so it’s kind of a doomed relationship, however we did spend an amazing few weeks together till she had to leave. Marnee was gorgeous and I guess when your in love, letting go just becomes easy but it was kinda heartbreaking. Years later she arrived on my door step with a black eye, she stayed for a week and just as we were going to make our long term plans, the ex turns up and she goes with him. I let her go twice in one lifetime, twice is very difficult Martin, it’s like you are always waiting for the third return.

(Anyway back to the main narrative now)

The girls, (actresses were not impressed and I had to move out, crazy hey?)

While I was looking for a place to live, I realised that I needed a job so imagine when a crisis service I knew that looked after homeless adolescents asked if I was interested in doing part time work with them. I jumped outta my hammock and started to think what a new beginning would be like. I had now had several new beginnings in one life time.

 

I got the job, no need to be interviewed, I had built up a good reputation as a social worker in the city, people knew me and they knew my work was good.

My first day I was asked to go along to a big meeting, where a certain catholic priest was consulting with other agencies in the area, he had been given a large house and wanted to know what type of service was needed. Rumour had it that he was secretly setting up a sexual offenders treatment centre and I was instructed to tell him that this was not acceptable, as there was a young women’s refuge next door to his place where girls were recovering form sexual assault.

Anyways at the meeting, everyone behaved very polite, drinking tea and biscuits, the other local organisations all very restrained, the priest whom I knew off from his reputation was just the red faced priest archetype, surrounded by old ladies and cupcakes.

Anyways, just when the meeting was coming to a close, I interjected, ‘Look I don’t mean to be rude but I do want to be honest and I have to ask, is there going to be a Sex Offenders Unit opening because it would be a totally inappropriate location?’

The priest denied any such thing, then the meeting adjourned.

In the kitchen when I was alone with the priest I told him how I respected all the work he did, he did take the hardest kids, kids that no other service would deal with, so I was kind of always in awe of him and although there where a lot of rumours about him that were questionable, I never really paid them any mind.

I explained that I was speaking under my brief and the idea of a sex offenders unit was something I felt had a place within society blah blah blah. He asked me a few questions and I explained how I had a history of working with extreme client groups, under various organizations usually one of experimental projects. He took my name and said goodbye.

About a week later I was offered a job with him in the sex offenders centre, he was NOT opening. To cut a long story short and believe me it’s a long story, Martin, the whole thing went bad, he was a paedophile, he had a huge gang of ex cons that were ready to take a bullet for him, and he murdered a friend of mine who uncovered what he was doing. I and two of my colleagues escaped after several attempts upon our life.’ I ended up having to keep myself safe by sinking into the territory of paranoia, it was bizarre, tapped phones, being followed, my home being broken into, and the threats, then the death of my friend, the police dept. warned me away, he was a large fish, high up the food chain and I was dealing with powers I shouldn’t. This was my fear Martin. Remember old Burroughs saying, ‘Paranoids just know the facts.’ That was close to the bone, the world is corrupt, human nature is defiled by those that who should protect it, children the most vulnerable victims are preyed upon by a system so archaic and insidious it lays hidden beneath the surface.  

To cut a long story short, I had to retreat while I fought my battle with him in court. To survive I needed to get a new job, this time removalist labourer, and my first job, I recall clear as day, a cold winters morning, was moving a church from one end off Bondi High Street top the other, and following directions the first object I carried was the huge wooden cross that hung high up on the alter through the High St. On my back. The symbolism was so obvious. Gods humour perhaps.

Well again we jump ahead to the court case and lets just say I won, but he was not convicted or charged, let’s just say I won my battle but not the war. I received a death threat and it was directed at Jake.

Again I disappeared, this time for good.

This is all true, the truth of my life is much stranger than any fiction, it is a rich tapestry of experience which has revealed itself over the years, I moved through life from that moment onwards unafraid, I met my fear and had developed the power to manifest what ever I wanted, however this is far from a blessing, for all magickal acts are paradoxical unless the heart is pure and I have a long way to go on that one.

Since then I have travelled a fair amount, all through Europe, two months in Paris I have always loved that city. London I am an alien to, I visit only to see family, whom send their love by the way, I spent some time as guide in Africa, specifically Kenya, Tanzania and Zanzibar, where I lived for a long time with two French girls in a beach hut. Then I spent a year working in Canada, hanging out at the airport strip club near the airport in Toronto, and finally in 2001 I returned to Sydney, this time establishing a  sense of permanency, I work, I create art, I write and I make music. I still only know four chords but I manage to write good songs and sing em much better than when I was playing with you guys, it was all about belief, I never believed I could do it, now I know I can.

There’s so much top say, it’s been 19 years but I always thought about you, every time I pick up my guitar or hear Bowie.

I lost a lot of respect for him when he made those dumb ‘eighties’ albums, Let’s Dance, Moonlight, Never let me Down, I guess I knew he was capable of making something more meaningful, but then I heard ‘Outside’ and that is brilliant, I have a version he gave to the record label and they refused to release it, it was so threatening, it’s brilliant. ‘Heathen’ has its moments to but if you recall, I was gradually becoming interested in a band called, ‘The Church.’

I got to know them over the years, they are about the only band I listen to really the rest is just ‘electronic’ music which jake plays a lot of, but the church have the richness and depth and beauty that I strive for. Nice people to, they lived in Sweden for a while, now I see them almost once a month,they live in Bondi, I’ll send ya some tunes.

One day Martin you and I will get another chance, this time, I wanna sieze the moment and unleash some love. I came a long way and now I am full circle. What do ya think?

 

 

Other news and bits of information, I have a dog called Pan. Jakob is a lovely guy, 18 years old, really into his music, talented and filled with potential, we may have to get him on a bass or something. I am a now a bit of a recluse, I have a friend ed, who I call Leary after Tim, he lives in Thailand. I have a few people that know me, a girl called ‘agent stone’ whom is like my sister, friend and I just met my future wife although she don’t know it yet. Emilie. She’s an angel I conjured up about 35 years ago, she’s a French girl, but she’s kinda worldly to, super intelligent and i adore her, so who know’s, I been alone now for years and years, just me and my dog and you know what I am surprisingly content, but this would be the perfect freaky conclusion.

So there ya go a short trip through Capt. Missions last 20 years, I never really liked Australia (I’ll explain why later) until last week, I was in the surf and I was watching the clouds and the waves and I thought, ‘Ahh, this is it.’

It’s interesting how life works, I embrace the paradox, I love my life, I love my people and I love you, the fact you found something about yourself that gives you meaning, the fact that we were always connected by something, the fact that after 20 years I can phone a random studio in Berlin and talk to a sound engineer who just happens to be standing next to you. It’s magick man, it’s everywhere, the unifying field, the holy grail of science, information. Every time I catch a wave in the surf, I am a particle and a wave, the true nature of reality, filled with gratitude and love.

 
Martin

 The Universe Blessed me and I know it’s Blessed you.

 Captain Mission

 

PS MY BLOG ADDRESS IS

CAPTAINMISSION.BLOGSPOT.COM

other things to do, call the french girl
emilie got badly hurt at work yesterday, one of the autistic people attacked her, i felt quite awful, really terrible, partly responsible as i never told her about the other side of autistic behaviours, yeah it ain't all staring vacantly into space playing with a piece of string. anyways i hope that i'll catch up with her later today. she called me beautiful over the phone and my heart beat like a tom tom drum. sigh...

and final thing to do is make a comp. cd
which i did, however it was at the expense of being about an hour late to meet emilie, i did actually pick up some chyranthiums for her but i forgot to give her the cd.
After telling me she had fucked her friend in a drunken evening, she wanted to go kiting at manly as the wind was perfect, i watched from the shore, she looked like a giant insect, zipping her way across the water surface, weaving through the surfers, i watched slightly awe struck while my guts and my heart churned around.
Later we had a coffee and she expressed how empty she felt, we skirted around topics, the way men never acknowledge women after sex, the way women like to test mens boundries, she asked me when i had sex last and was surprised to hear that i had actually had sex on my birthday.
'Oh I never really think of you as a sexual person.'
'Yes well, sorry to disappoint you.'
'Your birthday was a few weeks ago, right?'
'Yeah.'
'And was it good sex?'
'It was messy.'
'Messy?'
'Yeah messy.'
'How come?'
'Birthday cake.'
'Oh.'
'Yeah I didn't eat any though, i am not a big lover of cake.'
'Oh. We should get trashed one night.'
'Sure but we ain't going to fuck.'

I head off back to Mission Control, i stick on the cd i made her, it's a good comp. i stop by at Agent Stones, she makes me a lovely salad, a tea and i feel like i am travelling back in time to the days we used to stay up all night, me smoking joints rambling stories to her, she listening and laughing like a beautiful elf queen, ahh, yeah agent stone's cool, she's the ony person i ever took to see the church with me, it's a scared thing. Later we looked at some pics on her computer, gregorian chants in the background, i was feeling safe, i always feel safe with agent stone, she's an agent extrodinare.

the super straight corporate guy rang me this morning to ask if i wanted to go to the blue mountains with him in his new $80000 bmw 4wd. i said i couldn't as i was thinking about going to bondi markets, unfortunately super straight corp guy decided he wanted to tag along, and seeing as though he volunteered to drive i thought what the hell, but it was a deal with the devil, cos being stuck all day with super straight corporate guy is like being enslaved, he's a total control freak, the worst form of capitalist and has a sense of humor on par with an axolotl. Super corp guy is rich in material wealth and bankrupt in personality, but my stupid sense of feeling sorrowful for him over-rode and i agreed.
we stop at the luxurious chocolate shop so i can buy some chocolate for my infamous 'hash coco cubes' which i am going to make this week, then we wander down amongst the mydrid of foreigners, scandinavian backpackers, english soccer people, some americans, the islanders and moaris, brazilian girls with tattooed legs, we walk into a cd shop and the sound of some dumb techno song does my head in, i can feel my aura leaking and my skull cracking, and scg wants to go shopping for an old Seal CD.
'Captain, What's the name of his album?'
'Err the canadian release is called, Clubbed to Death.'
I have to wait outside, it's loud and horrendous.
Later he gnaws upon some dead meat rolled up in kebab, it's making me feel sick, i nibble on a blueberry yoghurt thingy.

At the markets, i wander aimlessly, looking at everything, chatting to some folk, i buy a book on Francis of Assissi and a peaked cap/hat, but it's the girl selling the albert einstien t shirts that captures my heart momentarily.

we chat for a whle, i tell her how i like the designs, and how i am a fussy t shirt wearer, and how i always cut sleeves off, she says i look cool, at which point i melt and can't think of anything witty to say so in the awkward moment, i jump down the time line where we just walk off into the sunset together.

later i watch the surf, beach closed, it's big and pounding, no one out in that, no one except one lone surfer who struggles in the wash. we drive home listening to seal, i ask if we can listen to something else but scg says no. i ask if we can turn off the air con, but scg says no, i ask if i can roll down the window, but scg says no, i close my eyes and wonder what steve kilbey was doing today and if he was at the markets, only to find later from his blog he was.

dan air air stewardesses are worth writing about, they are or were, my first cult experience, dan air being a small american airline that went bust a while back, employed these amazing girls who looked awesome, they were edgy, smart girls except for the fact they were all on some kind of junk, fucked up on speed or smack, anyways where ever i went i always hung out with dan air girls, the most infamous from my youth was Gabrielle whom i met on a dance floor in berlin dancing to iggy pop singing, 'fall in love with me.'
Often people would assume i was a dealer so i was always getting approached by predominately exotic girls who would writhe their way towards me and lock on like some heat seeking missile, yeah it's true they would seek me out, in train stations, cafes, bars, discos, gigs, markets and on the street. But once they found out i was not carrying they would slither away, like reptilian people, i'd catch that last flicker in their eyes, the dying flames of hope. But Gabrielle she was like a exotic fish, swimming to me in a sea of sharks, she weaved her way through the crowds, our gazed fixed, she moved like a hot knife through butter until she stopped right in front of me, the song sequed into Prince, Kiss, a bassy extended mix and she just danced this gypsy dance whirling scarves around me, like i was in the centre of an atom, then she kissed me just when the purple one sung, 'extra terminal kiss.'
we hung out every night, she would dance for me and mutter words in her sexy austrian english accent, that i never really understood but it was kinda nice, i'd let her bite my ear and stuff.
but the smack scene man in west berlin, it's like the smack scene anywhere, but cooler looking people, classy addicts but all speaking the language of junk, i mean, all that despair for a gram of ecstasy was never a trade i wanted to make but gabrielle had sold her soul and occasionally i'd see the glint in her eye, the little girl was in there somewhere waiting to get out. by day she would be zooming around the skies in her uniform, feeding the packaged process food to the cattle and pointing to the exits, i would only ever see her at night, we never ate solids, we never saw the sun, she never slept. I miss her big beautiful green eyes.

idea for a film
a lonely professor falls in love with a beautiful girl who parachuted into his lab, he promises her that he will marry her as soon as he finishes his vital experiment. The experiment involves a matter transporter, that has two tube like units, one in which one is transported from the other to.
In his equations and tests everything runs perfectly but he has to use the machine on a human subject, so he puts himself in the transporter.
The lab is filled with monkeys and parrots and a huge fish tank, and in a corner is a large octopus that unknown to the professor has escaped as it was unsettled when the parachutest dropped in.
The Proffessor paces up and down, he is delieriously happy, all his life he has spent working with physics, never once contemplating the mysteries of the heart and the emotions love can bring.
The professor rings his fiancée, 'Sweetheart, everything will be fine, i am testing the equipment now, then we will get married.'
He activates the machine and the lab is filled with a purple light.
However the octopus has crawled into the other chamber and there is a terrible twist in the transporting molecules, resulting in the two beings becoming mixed up. In one chamber lies the Octoman, a human body with octopus properties, the mind of the octopus struggles with bipedal circumstance and restrictions, the strange sexual apparatus and sensory organs.
On the other hand Manpus is a eight tentacle mollusk with human intelligence and mind, desperately trapped in this ultra flexible body, a long way from his girl, he negotiates New York City to get downtown to her apartment, after many adventures he enters her apartment to find her relaxing in the bath, he slides in. Obviously shocked and horrified the girlfriend screams but written upon the skin is the pinkish glow and words 'i love you.' Manpus communicates the misfortunate events and the girl in a tender moment leads Manpus to her bedroom, where she experiences the ultimate sexual encounter. Suddenly she enslaves the Manpus as her pet sex toy, not an ignoble end the Manpus concedes.
Octoman however has to reach his loved one an octopus he met once in his youth drifting along the indian ocean, he escapes the lab and travels towards the Brooklyn bridge, where he jumps into the Hudson river, however he is disgusted by the filth and pollution and ends up washed up on the shore, where he is rescued by a TV executive who offers him his own show. Now propelled into fame and stardom, and all the trappings of hedonism, Octoman, succumbs to a 5000 grand a week coke habit and finds life meaningless and boring but filled with shallow pleasure. The unfulfilled longing within him leads him into a spiritual path and he founds his own religion, a sort of aqua mollusician human belief in divinity through surrender know as, the eight tentacle path.
Years down the time line, Manpus and his girl become devotees of the religion and meet Octoman, they reverse the experiment and revert back to normal life, the scientist sends the octopus back to the indian ocean and the last shot is him swimming into the sunset.

ahhh a decent sleep, at least 8 hours which is pretty long for me, considering i average 4 a night, it's a cold wind, biting the surface, the coffee is hot, Dick 3 sits down next to me and tells me a bad joke, i get a call from a surfing buddy, we meet in Babylon and go for a swim, waters warm, flat, minius surf, go for a hot drink, meet the millionare computer dot con guy who rambles meaningless things to me, he's making x amount of dollers, buying a new car, a new house, bigger faster, new affiliates in america, canada, hong kong, i gaze at the passing traffic, when he leaves we go to another secluded tea place i know where no one can interupt me from reading the international misinformation, i drink my special tea Triple E then part company from my surfing friend and head back to Pansy. It's good to be alive, it's good to be covered in salt, it's good to bathe in the ocean, it's good to see all the beauty this morning. I wonder if that cute french girl is thinking about me as she soars above the water, i wonder if she can give me another 50%.

yeah the surf in the afternoon came good, went to see a fantastic film called 'inside man'
Later i disolved into light, shimmering, etheric, reality looks like all sorts of things when you change your energy, the matrix kinda gets half the picture but the true nature of reality is not digital, it's information in pure form, formless, it manifests as whatever we want it to, proccessing it on the other hand is something quite difficult. I process using several techniques which i will explain at a later date.

morning's are not the same without professor leary around, i miss him heaps as i contemplate the elements and elephants, this morning i went for a surf, waves slim pickings, there was a flatness about, a certain low ebb and flow, there was a few hungry surfers hunting for waves but it all looked very flat, the water temp. was warm, nice and cozy. I was bobbing up and down in there, looking out to the horizon and i remembered an e mail i had sent to a lady called sue, she's another big church fan and we often communicate via e mail and meet at the shows, she mentioned steves daughter elecktra was ill and in my reply i mentioned i don't ever prey or hassle god but i would do my bit, so suddenly i am thinking about what i need to do to help, and this huge wave just comes up outta the horizon, i think, right i have to catch this for elecktra, and while i'm in the true nature of reality, i will Will elecktra recovery, i position myself perfectly and with a little kick i am propelled along, it's got power and equal force, i concentrate my thoughts, each cell in my body is now in line with the wave, my mind is thinking about steves girl, the wave seems endless, i veer left and then right, it's incredible, i need air soon, but it's not over, i peek up, i am heading near the shore, still thinking elecktra, i imagine she is smiling and with her dad, they are happy.
i grab my guitar and go see my friend peter who is about to go to eastern europe with his guitar, we have a lemonade at some strange pub, then he gives me a electronic tuning device, i wish him luck, we say goodbye and i drive to work, on the way emilie calls, we have a quick chat, she is working her first pegasus shift at a home i know, she has a lovely voice, it's beautiful, i need to wean myself off but i can't. I am a dead man i think, but i am so alive.
I make three amazing pizza's the guys absolutly worship me, 'Who's the best Cook?' I say, they all go nuts and point at me. Yeah man these are great pizza's.
Later i write a long letter to Martin.
I wonder if my 50% has increased. Fuck it man. I am 100% or nothing. Always have been always will, from making pizza to getting married, i want 100%.

i left W. Berlin 20 years ago, i slipped out from certain rock infamy in hedonistic berlin to domestic insularity in avalon beach australia, i left behind me musical brother Martin Von Donaldson, and started a new life, following my dna programming i guess, the instinct kind took over and i left my dream to be an adult, a grown up, with grown up responsibility. I swapped a leather jacket for a Hawaiian shirt and board shorts. I never really said goodbye to Martin, it was just an awkward parting.

Well life is filled with surprises, today i tried the number of the recording studio in germany and spoke to a sound enginneer who happened to be standing right next to Martin.
He was so surprised to hear my voice, says it's got a heavy australian accent.
Martin revealled he had become jewish and discovered the Kabbala, ironically as he always took the piss of my own jewish roots, but i guess it explained a deep connection we both felt towards one another. Imagine, we had been seperated 20 years, and now we was chatting. Martin man. i love ya and i am going to see ya soon, we are going to eat poppy cake and have a glass of whiskey and I'll sing ya a song, song of songs or something, ha.
Martin has two kids.
So there ya go more Magick flowing around me, my whole life is filled with magick, so is your's, get those charkras balanced, fix up that leaky aura, contemplate your ego, loose yourself and find the self, eat no meat, surrender, take control, be responsible, love, dream, surf, embrace the paradox.

old days hanging out in w berlin, my life was kinda crazy, i'd just come back from hitching around the USA, Mexico and Canada, when Martin rang me to ask if i'd rejoin the band he had put together in Berlin, i didn't even know he was there, funny enough it was my ex wife who bought me the ticket to go, i'd been having an unconditional fling with her in London, and we kinda knew the whole thing was doomed from the start, but there was a nice feeling about the whole relationship, a sort of relaxed enjoyment, it was easy baby.
anyways i ended up traveling via amsterdammed, and met Marty at Zoo station, we caught the train to his place in Krezenberger Strasse, where we proceeded to drink a bottle of duty free glenfilich and some poppy seed cake, this proved to be our diet for the next year, apart from the radio active cheese we purchased at the markets cheaply, at the time totally unaware it was post chornobyl, mmm nuclear cheese.
the apartment was between a bar and a church, it was a kitchen, a huge living room, and two bedrooms either side, martins was bright red, mine was a sort of soft pastel white with a hint of pink, we actually got a grant to refurbish the place, in those days the WG govt. was giving cash away, i immediately started to write songs and explore the city. We gathered a few musicians, an amazing drummer from a band called the planets and a multi instrumentalist called Zak and a sweedish sax player called Zoloft and a keyboard palyer called Steel. We started getting our set down, and the hours we kept were certainly nocturnal, breakfast at 6pm, into the studio at 7.30pm out at 1am, nightclubs and bars till dawn, yeah it was crazy. My fave spots were the Jungle Club, where i met the amazingly talented and dead Gabrelle, the Jungle being the most exclusive nightspot in berlin, frequented by various beautiful people, its the place where bowie and iggy ate the berlin wall cake, the music was amazing and its the birthplace of where i developed my crazy dance style, 'Jungle Stomp.'
There were two things i found strange about Berlin, one the weather, i was a tropical guy in -40, i mean waking up and seeing frozen dogs on the street was not my ideal enviroment, and the other thing that i found difficult was everywhere i went i would be asked if i had 'smack.'
I guess i looked a bit like the archtypical dealer, dressed in black, hat, shades, emancipated, sunken hollow cheeks, but smack was not my drug of choice, and dealing with Gabrile was enough to put you off it for life.

after walking pan and drinking two coffees, yes i am back on coffee, two big ones, scanning the sydney morning misinformation old Dick 3 turned up and we discussed the issues at hand, my art, my uncoditional love, my general magickal abilities to create the potentials i need, he just said i was female in essensse, i said i knew that.
people are kind of wierd when i mention my female aspect, they think you are sensitive, gay or like shoes or sumfink. the actual truth i think is in qualities, compared to most australian girls i may as well be a big girl, i hate sports, don't drink beer, don't eat meat, don't like hanging out in packs, i have always been more comfortable in the company of women, despite their strange ways.
later while i was checking out the berlin music scene, i discovered a name that i recognised, Martin Von Donaldson, my old band mate, guitarist and fellow musician. I tried to call him in berlin as there was a number there but no one answered, will keep trying.

Martin and I met in carnaby st london, in the middle of punk rock, he was an orange haired bowie clone and i looked like a cross between hendrix and lou reed, he was heavily into the dammned and x ray spex, i was into iggy and bowie and we discussed the mutual need to make some music. he invited me to sing 'waiting for the man' with some other musician friends, in a place called pekham rye, across the river. i turned up and there was a bunch of freaks all smoking spliffs and drinking beer, we had a strange looking barrow boy on keys, a older cynical chap played bass, i can't even recall his name but he was a funny guy, and there was a spansih guy playing guitar and martin played lead and then we started, all outta key, possibly in several different ones, we did, 'Man who sold the World' and 'Waiting for the Man', (bowie version) they must have liked me cos i got the job although i think they were more impressed with my spliff rolling to be honest.

Years later Martin and I relocated to West Berlin, we lived in Riechenberger Strasse, in a neat apartment between a bar and a church.

series of text messages
her: if you don't marry me then i am going to gold coast in two weeks
me : i am frozen like a rabbit in headlights, its the unbearable lightness of being me, i am immobile.
her: various complaints about her current living enviroment
me: sympathetic response plus the question, 'what are the chances of falling in love with me? answer out of % please.
her: it's not going to happen. i like bad boys
me: well i won't ever lick your feet ever again. what about falling in love with Capt. Mission
her: fuck you, i didn't ask you to lick my feet. don't make me feel guilty
me: you misunderstood, it was a joke, guilt is not my style
her: 50% but not attracted to you physically
me: that's a leap in a space of two minites from 0 to 50%
her: meet me, lets get coffee
me: at 4.30 we could grab coffee in a garage on the parkway i know'
her: come to gold coast with me, don't text me. goodnight.
me: if i text ya will my %age increase?

long day at autistic central but we all had a lot of fun, i made a nice dinner for everyone and there seemed to be a lot of joy in the air. i spent a lot of time just digging my own scene, played the church, ultc over and over, its the best cd ever, no doubts about that. i also wandered through the idea of getting pretended married, it's a romantic abstraction, my thoughts seem to drift down parallel universes where love and life ain't so complex.
fairly happy and relaxed, sucking a brain enhancing smoothie when a fat girl stood before me and said hi.
i didn't know who it was, she was standing there getting in my face, and then slowley it dawned on me, she was an old enemy, best friend of my ex girlfriend. anyways zoe, the fat girl started to tell me how amalia had fucked her over, i looked at her and smiled politely, its not my thing the soap opera reality of other peoples lives. i don't have many memories about that period, they were all ejected from my mind.
zoe just made some dumb choices, she is a minor league player in the the big leauge enemies of captain mission stakes. I kill my enemies by loving them to death, it's just a long term solution, not instant but much more satisfing, they hate to see you happy, they hate that you are not like them, filled with evil virus of hate and bitterness, they need you twisted and insane, to justify their own reality.
yeah i have a lot of enemies, i love them all, i am so grateful that they laothe me, they look at me with disgust and envy, they want to destroy me but they can't even look me in the eyes. yeah i made enemies, i don't suffer stupid people, i don't have time to waste.

bless me cotten socks!
mission control is my own place again, i did a quick neurotic clean and took pan for a random walk, we met evan and his two beasts and i took the chance to stop say hi and be all neighbourly, the strange black clouds gathered somewhere over the horizen, the wind, cold and bitter, a taste of winter, i had two coffees, watched the heavens and read some news.
sometimes reading old news papers are better than reading current ones, old newspapers have events in them which although happened years ago, still happen today, in fact todays news is not really news at all, it's old inaccurate information, so we should say, i'm reading the inacurate information paper.
i bumped into richard the 3rd who told me to watch out for the eagle that was flying just above my head, there was no eagle, it was april the 1st joke, thats okay becuase i told him leary was at the cafe across the road waiting for him and Dick 3 hurried off to see him.
so back at mission control, i attempted to tune me old guitar, and strum a few chords and wrote a couple of songs, then it was time to head to autistic central and see the gang who were all looking happy to see me, i played them a tune, i'd written and made them some pizzas. even people with autism love pizza.
i thought about the marrage thing till me head hurt, that girl has me frozen in her headlights, i am immobilized.

Long ride into the night, sleeplessly complex and slowly my circumstances are drowning me, like soft liquid honey, sweet and pure, deep and deadly. emilie asking me to play Russian roulette with my heart, she comes over all beautiful and fucking gorgeous, and wants to go through the list of +s and – s, the road map to a marriage without the love I want,. I give credit to her honesty, she says she is totally selfish, there is nothing to benefit me, no cash, no sex, no fucking love, and it’s just business and two years of my life, two years.
information comes rapidly, emilie and i meet, we go down the shops for provisions, the happy grocer thinks emile is my wife, 'she's well trained,' he says as she buys the veg, she looks at me amused, later she wants to talk business, i tell her i don't do business but will create a space to talk over the matter that hovers over both our minds, i want to wait till we are home before we talk marriage. i let her talk, and man, this is one lady that can talk, but that accent makes it more than bearable, i mean come on, i can listen to her talk all night but the 'marriage' thing is wearing me out. yes i can feel my defences weaken, we go over the list, i explain, that i have re categorized them into negotiable and non negotiable. i read through the negotiable and we seem quite in tune, however the non negotiable issue is of course the paradox, i can't marry emilie as i will fall in love with her, i also can't live with her knowing that she is fucking other men and women, although i compromised and said she can fuck the women, unselfish being that i am. anyways the situation is stalemate, although according to the immigration dept. i could buy her nine months by lodging an application for marriage, although i would have to marry her within the nine months. well it's 8-9 months extra on the current visa and 8-9 months in which anything can happen, and then maybe nothing, it’s all possibility and it’s all my responsibility. I am frozen in the moment. the problem is she wants to marry me because she knows i am 'reliable and trustworthy', she knows i will respect her, but i don't actually want to, i mean my hormones are going nuts, every time she speaks, looks at me, or breathes my way, blah. i told her that i'd been waiting thirty years for her and she should at least have the decency to fall in love with me immediately, but she just laughed in my face.
The clock is ticking. Is emilie the girl? she meets all my requirements and she even wants to get married, but will she fall in love with me? i guess the question really is, am i her man?

finished 'mammals' a great novel, if you like your reality bleak and french with funny observations and insightful wit and humour, it left me with the existentialist angst that any good french book should leave its readers with.
started unravelling the rainbow by Richard Dawkins, the meme man, it's very good, he's talking about how when Newton discovered the spectrum the english poet Keats said that science had taken all the beauty from the rainbow. its a great topic for a book because dawkins has been accused of being depressingly un faithful to a concept of intelligent design and therefore left his readers feeling alone in a sea of creation that is nothing more than random chance.
in 'rainbows' dawkind suggests that science is driven towards finding the beauty in the chaos and that as it explains existence, more beauty is revealed.
one can apply this to other domains, particularly love, the more i love, the more beautiful life reveals, like the motion upon the surface of the water once the ripples cease, it reveals itself to be a reflection. life?
Its always been a paradox with me, I always get what I want, only to find out, it comes with something that negates itself, my manifestations of reality need fine tuning, I need to become more responsible, what do I do with my creations, I love them and I guess like god, I want them to love me back.