halfway through life, am i closer to what i needed than before, yes, but also further away, life is paradox, like some chinese puzzle. i look back in reflection and i think i have travelled far, journeyed over land and sea but also the other landscapes, the terrain of the explorer is multi dimensional, it comes in all directions emotional, physical and spiritual and mental, it's the quadrant formation, but it exists in a sphere. and then when you think it's fixed the boundaries change, one cannot observe and measure the particle and the wave.
the weather churns me up, i don't like rain, it takes me to an unhappy childhood in the streets of london, a place i do not like yet have to return. rain takes me to skool a place that destroyed me and left me with a deep resentment. i was a quiet, introverted boy lost in his imagination and despite the anger and wrath of my teachers stayed in there. years of humiliation and looking for escape routes, hitching around the usa was my first taste of freedom from this. i travelled places, met people, saw the vast unbounded nature morph from car windows, slept under stars in deserts and lived in abandoned shacks in the woods. so from that oint onwards i knew there were other ways. mystical experiences are born from wonder, my path was shaped by a strange eccentric family on my fathers side, especially my grandfather who i have talked about in these blogs.

now i have a better understanding of who i am, where i am in space and time, why i am, the wonder is not so strong. the ayahuscia experience has helped me greatly determine what i am. the intelligence of plants is much more useful to me than human. i am done with humans.

but then i look at them sad and lonely, trying to figure out their way, going through the motions half asleep and dazed from the constructs they cling to. i feel like reaching out to those i do love, the people i really fucking am grateful for to have in my life, jakob my amazing son who is so beautiful and brilliant, my band who i fucking love and respect and my friends, evan, the high priestess, tim, gravy err okay im short on friends but i'm happy with these special people and i'm most grateful for the teachers of lessons, they have ranged from writers who i have absorbed to musicians i respect to ex girlfriends and most of all to my enemies. i love my enemies. i really do. and that is where i am at halfway through life.