the last few weeks my thoughts have been with my father whom has been ill, it appears he is much better now, i spoke to him, he was laughing and in his own gentle way began telling me what had happened, his self depreciating humour, his mild way of taking all responsibility and his positive outlook about seeing me in the future gave me an appreciation of dad that wasn't there before, i guess i have to face his mortality and despite my knowledge of death, it's getting through the last period of life that is important, clearing up all the bullshit and stuff i wanted to say, you know, last words the living get to say to the dying. dad's not dying but he's old and unless he gets that vitality back, death will claim him. men get strange when they are old, they feel a burden to those that are around, they can't quite get a grip on their failing body and they resent it. anger builds up, bitterness, despair. more so than women who have a natural inclination to have come to terms with death earlier, they appear to have a grace men seem to aspire to.
last time i spoke to my dad he yelled down the phone, 'i'm in my eighties, i'm waiting to die.'
i was trying to tell him to change his diet, incorporate raw juice, etc. but he got impatient and slammed the phone down. 
i was thinking how ridiculous i must have sounded, my dad's far to old to change his diet, he's in his final years, he should be enjoying his life, living it up, he should be swallowing anti depressants, blocking out all the fucking bad news, walking on clouds, his body is falling apart, his mind is good but negative, his spirit is weak. who the hell am i to put him on some life extension plan. 
this is the dilemma, i don't know yet at which point life becomes unbearable for the old, i think i'd just slip out quietly, gracefully and without much fuss but what right do i have to keep someone alive, he's my dad, i love him and want to see him alive one more time, is that selfish? 
anyway at the end of the day, whatever happens it will play out the way it plays and i will deal with the cards, but it does leave you feeling all the more grateful to be on this journey of life, enjoying the sun streaming through the blinds, the colourful birds chirping, the sound of pan drinking water from his bowl, the beautiful colours of the flowers in the trees and the people who love me. and it also makes me appreciate the strange connections between a man and his father, a father and his son. i spoke with my dad again, heard his laugh at my comments, we shared a few jokes and kept it simple, i didn't tell him what to eat, told him to go out and have some fun with mum, see a movie, catch a play, walk in the gardens. when i put the phone down i could heard him laughing, it was wonderful, but i couldn't help but feel a little sad.