down in the corrupted sun, people swarm in insect memory, hordes of wild children out of control toddlers, ugly mothers and disenchanted fathers promise gold and silver, riches and wealth to their demanding offspring. i'm meeting a friend for coffee, he's some sort of barrister chap, i never quite understand his role but he's very well respected and successful, he's also my friend and has been for nearly twenty years. he's a big guy with a powerful presence and most people fear him or are somewhat in awe of him. he dosn't have a lot of friends, like me, he's to far outside the box to attract your average zombie, his friends are invariably my friends. i have not seen him in a long time so i'm looking forwards to catching up.

we meet off the beaten track, both seek obscurity from the horde but they chase us down and then we scare them away with our outrageous talk, except the the girls. girls are drawn towards my friend in a strange alluring way i don't quite understand. he's like tony soprano, crossed with rumpole, crossed with a some sort of gourmet celebrity psychotic chief. he can sometimes dress in flamboyant suits, mad colours and jazz memories but often he's like me, shorts and a cut of t shirt.

anyway's we are reading the papers, i'm not actually, i stopped plugging into the news so i'm reading a book called, 'discovery of witches' which is not as good as i was hoping, some sort of girly romance for women with phds. 

later we wander out down the main street, hordes of people stop to talk to him, i am like his weird offsider, a don quixote to his sancho panza, his phone rings every few ministers and eventually he stops answering it, we hide away in another coffee shop. the atmosphere is different here, it's off the beaten track, reggae music pours through the windows, there's an old lady writing in a big notepad. she says she's a novelist which perks me up, and i try to engage her in conversation about books, my vast data bank of diverse literature fails to impress and she starts looking nervous. i reassure her that i am a reasonable balanced individual with a healthy disposition and only seek a stimulating conversation, but she starts to make excuses and leaves. later i see it is my friend who she was feeling anxious about as he has begun to do some strange himalayan exercises with his eyes and tongue.

i return to the unsatisfying witches.

somewhere in my life lies perfection, i fuck up lots of normal activities due to my need to deconstruct everything and pull it apart, i mean there's no point in believing in a false god, an idol when there's a real one. i don't accept politics, left or right unless it embraces the individuals right to self determination. all memes need to be analytically and critically broken down until their essential truth is revealed and lets face it we are then left with a lie. the only aspect which works for me are the non dualities, love and art, and then even those can be deconstructed into various values if one desires, ultimately everything is flawed. in my life there are a few things that offer some reward. i guess the obvious one is my son whom i can honestly say is a fine example of a human being and somehow through all the hurdles i got that bit right. the other  are my friends, three or four but i couldn't ask for a better group of people around me. my books, i love my books, i like the fact that some one put in so much effort and work, blood sweat and probably tears to write something that connected with me, so i love my books as there's something perfect in most of them. then there's the church whom i have followed from the moment i first heard them, and i saw them last night playing at the zoo.
a perfect venue, behind them sydney lit up like a movie set, spectacular and beautiful and yeah, it's an aesthetic wonderland.
the animals are sleeping but the elephants stir as the music travels through the earth up through their feet, those big floppy ears tune in, they dig this sound, steve's base notes flow like space jazz groove, elephants have been waiting for this, tim's magnificent powerful and yet intricate drums call out to them, like the beat of the jungle, the beat of planets in transit, the beat of ancient systems and intelligence. seals get frisky as the sound of those guitars, and the birds sit hidden in trees watching and grooving along to these songs, songs they will remember and one day imitate in homage to this night.
and somewhere the tigers and jaguars, the panthers and lions listen to the words, they loll around king beasts of their respective domains enjoying the poetry of words that constitute the church.
and me, i'm right at the back with wild child, we are listening avidly, watching steven move like a shaman, yes he has the moves and dance routine perfecto, like a performance artist stepping into many dimensions while we listen and dance filled with something i would say feels like pride but is joy. 
the church are at their best, i imagine they will get better, i imagine they will shock us all and awe us all as their music takes on new forms and the band re-imagines itself, pushes further into the space rock frontier, takes us where very few musicians in the industry can go, beyond. 
i think it's sad that these performances are not documented but it also feels okay that they are not, it makes the event special, it makes the music transient in the very buddhist ideal that nothing is permanent. plus it offers something i learnt that i value greatly from steve and his relation to his muse and that is 'devotion.' 
i don't think there's been a figure in my life whom has influenced me as much as steve, william burroughs perhaps, both seemed to have the ability to transcend three dimensional space time with their arts. i think that's something valuable and i am eternally grateful.
wild child wants to go say hi after the show, but i am reluctant, i don't want to intrude, i imagine they want to get away, i imagine that they are exhausted and have heaps on their plate, children that need tucking in, pets that need feeding, sleep that needs meeting. i can see wild child is torn, 'go,' i'll wait here, but she decides not to and we start that arduous haul up the hill to the exit where who do we meet, steve and co. he yells out, and we cross paths in a very warm generous affirming hug.
priest = aura, metropolis, ripple, destination, reptile, milky way, you took, almost with you, unguarded moment, space saviour, grind and more, what more can a man ask for. 
i ended up living in sydney, it was kinda all by accident, chance, randomness, it was the church that somehow brought me here, and i've been lucky enough to see almost every show they play in sydney over the last 23 years. if i looked back in my life at all the joys, i think the church would be multiple entries and then some of the solo side projects. why do they mean so much to me i wonder, after all it's only rock and roll?
i think it's just the intention, it hits me like an arrow hitting a target. what does that mean? i don't know but i'm glad of it. why settle for a lesser band when the church exist. i don't see other bands, i have no idea what they play on radios or tv shows, i have lot's of music at home, but apart from the church i play kate bush, these days that's where it all ends and begins in music. how strange. 
later we meet kate away and the three of us wander off into newtown for chocolate drinks and a debrief, it's a brilliant evening, really one of these evenings where life feels perfect despite all the kicks and punches i seem to have taken the last 12 months, i can go down happy knowing i have seen perfection in gods creation channelled through four guys making music and writing words. if that's not a church i don't know what is. 

there is a greek word psychonautics meaning sailor / navigator of the mind / soul, i think this is what captain mission certainly became, as well as being dad, ex husband, social worker, health worker, writer and all round strange eccentric nut job but i have become very fond of this term, psychonaut as a far more accurate description of one who explores the magickal realms of the mind, as opposed to magickian. magickian comes with so many connotations and preconceptions, i understand that, i guess when i use it i think of it in archetype terms but most people don't even know what archetypes are let alone understand what a magickian is. anyways, the term magickian can easily backfire, where as psychonaut has an untarnished association, plus it is generally associated with mind altering drugs which although not prerequisite in the practice of magick is actually a very useful tool. from wiki:


dr. elliot cohen of leeds metropolitan university and the uk institute of psychosomanautics defines psychonautics as "the means to study and explore consciousness (including the unconscious) and altered states of consciousness; it rests on the realisation that to study consciousness is to transform it." he associates it with a long tradition of historical cultures worldwide.


plus robert thurman is quoted as saying 'the modern tibetan masters could be called a psychonaut since they journey between the frontiers of death into the in between realms.'


so there we have a rebirth of types, a change in language is as good as a holiday they say. captain mission psychonaut not psychopath if you don't mind. 


now, onwards there is a terrible crisis in the universe, but don't panic, i am attempting to alter the status quo. my herbalist has said all organic plant medicine's have run out, all stocks depleted and there is no known time at which they will be available. however there is hydroponically grown substances.
i rejected her kind offer, i never use any hydroponically grown green goddess for fear of infiltration by artificial chemical agents that will wage war upon my neural networks and re wire them for the zombie army. 
this did come as quite a shock as my stock was running low and i never anticipated this sudden shortage. it makes me quite worried about the future of evolution when i hear things like this. i have sent out a few thought forms to assist, post haste, for the entire realm depends upon the spice flowing. grok that!

part of my brain has been preoccupied attempting to explain the significance in the relationship between language and magick for the two are intrinsically connected and i believe a chasm tends to appear when language is used in a conventional way to interpret a magickal framework it's trying to describe an indescribable process. i had my head buried in a few old books and some modern ones, looking for a synthesis of ideas to explain my thoughts and i found this... which explains things better than i could have. i'll just mention now that austin spare was a very talented but generally unrecognised artist / magickian, his work was quite striking, brilliant, but it was for his work in sigils that he is mostly credited. he used a similar technique that i have sometimes adopted which is automatic writing, it occasionally slips out. 

language, magick and neurolinguistics by david lee

this article explores the relationships between language and magick, and uses concepts derived from neuro-linguistic programming to bring into focus the core elements of magickal training.

Introduction: What is Language, and What isn’t?

Some dualisms are actually useful, and considering them leads us deep into magick. One such complementary dyad is that of biogram and logogram. The biogram is seen as the operation of the entire genetic potential, the whole genome, of the individual or, on a wider scale, the gene-pool of the whole human race. This includes flesh, desires, atavistic levels; in short, everything that Austin Osman Spare might have implied by the definition of Zos as ‘the body considered as a whole’. It appears that the biogram contains the needs for food, shelter, sex, companionship and some form of ecstasis.

On the other hand, the logogram contains the whole gamut of symbolic systems that humans use—language in all its forms, from the abstractions of mathematics through spoken and written word, semaphore, the structured visual and audial imagery of painting, TV, music, to symbolic postures and hand gestures and everything in between. A magician can be viewed as someone who seeks to strengthen, liberate, feed, indulge and enjoy the biogrammatic forces through transforming his or her portion of the logogram, although it might be pointed out that this definition is broad enough to take in anyone who succeeds in generating sane (functional) behaviour out of the logogrammatic mess of mass culture.

The distinction between biogram and logogram gets blurred when we consider our appetite for ecstasis, or what is usually called the ‘drive to transcendence’. This whole issue is dominated and confused by religious/political exploitations of our fears of death and social ostracism. This exploitation takes the form of repressive dogmas built deep into the logogram in the course of the socialization process, along with their related reward/punishment patterns. The function of these elements is the achievement of social conformity via co-option of the ‘transcendence drives’. This pollution of the weirdest aspect of the biogram has the effect that many magicians deny the existence of any ‘drive to transcendence’. This is not surprising, considering that ‘transcendence’ usually (and wrongly) implies escape from the world of the senses—indeed, escape from biogrammatic realities into the cloud-cuckoo lands of religion or historical determinism.

This is basically the position of Freudians, who identify transcendence with mere escapism, regression to the oceanic consciousness of the womb. While this is valid as a critique of religion and body-denying mysticism, it has to be borne in mind that the outcome for the Freudian process is the return of the individual to the ‘ordinary misery of life’. The more sophisticated views of the postmodern psychonaut assert that there is a whole spectrum of eigenstates available to us. In this view, the socially-sanctioned formula of ‘ordinary misery’ is merely one rather sad example of institutionalized disappointment and hedonic dysfunction. Let’s face it: either we are here to experience ecstasy in as many manifestations as we can handle, or we’re wasting our time.

To look at civilization so far, it’s easy to get the impression that the logogram has won a decisive victory over the biogram. The contents of the logogram, under the influence of the slave-religions, have been severely anti-hedonistic and anti-bioaesthetic, crippling the ecstatic capacities of all but a few strong individuals.

There is no easy solution to this mix-up, and I believe there is a good reason for that: human consciousness is, by its nature, incomplete, provisional. Our atavistic prehistory in the stream of organic evolution provides us with the biogrammatic constants of hunger, sex, the search for shelter, and the more primitive forms of reproductive bonding. As soon as we start to construct more complex social forms, we need language. It may even be true to say that the evolution of language and the evolution of society go hand in hand. In any case, as soon as we start consciously defining and negotiating our relationships with each other and the world, we transform ourselves. Therefore, language is the prime medium of transformation; the logogram is the history of our past transformations, and a set of levers which we must use to achieve the next ones. Awareness of the inevitable link between language and magick is recapitulated in numerous myth cycles—Hermes was the Messenger as well as god of magick; Odin gained the runes, bringing the core of the mysteries into focus through a sophisticated system of semiotics.

Structures of Magick

Certain themes are common to all effective systems of magick. These core elements have also been recognized in one of magick’s postmodern descendants—Neuro-Linguistic Programming or NLP. NLP has been described as ‘an attitude and methodology which leaves behind it a trail of techniques’. It is the techniques that NLP is best known for; the ’10 Minute Phobia Cure’, and the Pacing and Leading techniques that are taught to salespeople are (in)famous, and tend to give the impression that all NLP is is a set of techniques for doing a few tricks with the mind. This is not the case: NLP is essentially about finding out how people who are exceptionally good at something actually do it, including the parts that they may not have conscious access too. In other words, the practitioner finds a precise role-model for the skill he or she wants.


To illustrate this, imagine you want to become better at, say, archery. The most obvious route would be to find a truly excellent archer, the best you can find, and get him to teach you. Now, your master archer will only be able to transmit to you what he knows he does when he shoots an arrow. Unless he is also an exceptionally sophisticated teacher, this will consist only of the conscious part of his skill. Under his tuition, you will no doubt progress to a much higher level of skill, but it is unlikely that you will achieve his own level unless you also absorb the unconscious strategies that hone his technique to a level of brilliance. The elicitation of these strategies comprises the core NLP technique of modeling.

Some of these strategies may appear initially to have nothing to do with the skill of archery; for instance, you may find that you have imitated his stance, his breathing, his sighting… and still you miss something. By talking to him, however, you may find that he performs a particular visualization, or hears a particular voice in his head just before he releases the arrow. At an even more internal level, you may discover that he has a particular belief or set of beliefs about his archery skill. You may even find that he has beliefs about life in general, powerful generalizations that mark the difference between you and him, and which facilitate his excellence. In any case, the model is complete when you are able not only to achieve his level of excellence, but able to communicate to others the internal processes that can take a third party to a new level of proficiency.

What is it that is being studied here? In the most general sense, it is the internal language of the person being modeled. The phrase ‘Neuro-Linguistic Programming’ reflects discoveries of how the brain actually represents information—in other words, the internal language of consciousness. Magicians have been ‘programming’ in this sense throughout the history of magick, and many of the concepts and structures of magick have been rediscovered by NLP modelers. Some of these are:-

Using Willed Imagination

Magick is often seen as a linking of imagination, will and desire towards a single aim. Much of basic magick consists of the controlled daydreams of visualization and audialization (and to a lesser extent the use of imagined kinaesthesia and smell). Anybody who has tried this a few times will realise that it works, if the focus is strong enough. Much NLP work also relies heavily on imagined situations, although usually for effects on the self. (NLP practitioners will seldom admit (at least in public) that they are trying to affect consensus reality!) The point is, your brain cannot tell the difference between the ‘real’ situation and the visualized/audialized one, and responds accordingly.

Try this exercise: remember an emotionally-loaded situation that is past and done, and check you reactions to it. Better still, evoke one of your obsessions, a concept you can get really emotional about—for instance: scroungers, poverty, Country and Western music, or whatever really rattles your cage. Get really worked up about it. Now relax and look at what you have done: you have taken some key images, sounds and words, and created a set of feelings which are indistinguishable from the feelings you would have got if you were standing in front of a real sample of your obsession. In fact, even when you are in a ‘real’ situation, you are often dealing with it through the lens of previous remembered experience. In other words, you aren’t there at all. Experiment with evoking the whole range of emotions—start off with a basic 6 or 8—lust, tenderness, anger… proceed to more complex ones, like gratitude or jealousy… experiment with different modes of each one. Remember to banish! This is—or should be—absolutely central to basic magickal training. If you cannot achieve a resourceful/useful emotional state at will, you are always vulnerable to enemies and manipulators. That is one of the differences between a magician and a non-magician.

The ability to change your state of consciousness via imagination takes us on to the next point:-

Correspondences and Anchoring

Correspondences are often used by magicians to attain repeatable states of consciousness. Correspondences work by conditioned reflex linking the desired state to a symbol at a pre-conscious level. For instance, a magician may associate personal dynamism and assertiveness to Mars, via repeated work with the colour red, iron, blood, and the smell of leather. Every time these symbols are used deliberately, the Martial state is evoked. In NLP this type of process is known as Anchoring, and it appears virtually everywhere—consider the power of a perfume or other unusual aroma to bring back a precise memory from years before. Consider also the ways in which we associate a particular task with a particular emotion; how do you feel when it’s time to get out of bed in the morning on a work day? Or again, on a day when you’re about to go on holiday? At some stage in the past, you had anchored a particular state to an imagined situation; whatever went through your mind, whatever picture or voice was in your head, had had that emotion anchored to it. Knowing that, you know that you can change any state, if you want to enough.

Will and Congruence

One of the central themes in magick is Will. This is probably best defined as ‘unity of desire and purpose’. This is the unity of purpose that brings about the reification of your most inspiring dream. Most people, most of the time, hardly ever achieve this condition, and simply wander from one passing impulse to another. Failed attempts to break out of the cyclical world of desire-gratification-frustration and achieve one’s dream of life often feed back to the person an increased sense of impotence, resulting in further entrenchment in hopeless cyclicality.

The condition of one-pointedness is known in NLP as ‘congruence’. A person in a congruent state knows what he or she wants, and is already in the process of achieving it, by that very fact. She can walk into a room and command attention by the slightest of gestures. The kind of congruence required to influence others can, to some extent, be developed by rigorous attention to one’s own body language and voice tonality whilst in the process of speaking one’s desire. This will lead to some inner congruence. However, the royal road to congruence at every level is to pay attention to signals from the ‘unconscious’ that manifest as body sensations, inner voices and images.

Try the following: get into a relaxed posture, and ask your ‘unconscious’ if it’s listening: you will probably get a sensation of some kind; this is a congruence signal. Now repeat to yourself a desire-sentence about which you have some doubt or fear. You will probably experience a different sensation, which is an incongruence signal. Experiment with different formulations of the desire-sentence, until you feel quite a different sensation. When you are confident that this is a congruence signal, you will have formulated a congruent desire. If you persist with such techniques, it becomes rather like dowsing. Some form of congruence testing is a powerful tool for magick, because you have at your disposal the entire committee of selves whenever you want to clarify your will.

Multiple selves, Goddesses & Gods

Chaos magicians have been working with the notion of multiple selves for some time. So have NLP practitioners, as the following quote from Frogs into Princes by Bandler and Grinder shows:-

We’re all schizophrenic… Evolutionarily, the next step, which we’re all engaged in, is multiple personality. You’re all multiple personalities. There are only 2 differences between you and an officially diagnosed multiple personality: 1) the fact that you don’t have amnesia for how you are behaving in one context; you can remember it in another context, 2) you can choose how to respond contextually. Whenever you don’t have a choice about how you respond in context, you are a robot. So you have two choices. You can be a multiple personality or a robot. Choose well.

We can view a personality as a pattern of social responses. It consists of language, of external and internal signals—body language, voice tonality and language patterns that project it to other people, and internal dialogue and internal imagery that supports it and keeps it in place internally. It has an agenda, concerning social power transactions via the repetition of learned roles (or, in the case of more advanced personas, adaptation). One feature of personalities is that they attempt to achieve (or believe they have achieved) some consistency of behaviour. They are in a sense functional clusters of word viruses or memes which have acquired self-consciousness, and in this respect they are like deities.

Chaos magicians invoke god/dess-like entities from various sources, including the archetypal/stereotypical humanoid deities of pagan pantheons, characters out of films and comics. The god/dess form Baphomet as used by chaos magicians is a kind of reinvented gnostic entity, culled from various sources, which has come to represent magick, and the universal life-field, the planetary biogram. When we invoke any of these entities, we are seeking to bring into our nervous systems a perfect (or at least improved) role-model for one of our personas. Or indeed to assemble a ‘new’ personality for some new function. These selves are then available so that we can access and act from whatever self is the most effective in every situation we find ourselves in. The use of samples is a kind of parallel in music to this modeling of personality traits we desire. Flexibility is one of the cornerstones of power.

Systems, Levels & Hierarchies

Magickal systems almost invariably involve some sort of symbolic psychocosm. These maps can be useful for doing practical magick—generally in proportion to how much the magician immerses herself in the set of beliefs that the system implies and depends upon. The usual meta-belief in Chaos Magick is that belief is a tool, rather than an end in itself, and a particular psychocosm is viewed in the light of its usefulness. Psychocosms originate from mystery schools (‘Qabalah’ means something like ‘oral tradition’) or from commentaries on older texts (the I Ching, reconstructed Runic systems), or from scientific considerations, like the 8 Circuit model of Timothy Leary and Robert Anton Wilson.

Some such maps can be viewed as purely magical or ‘spiritual’ in purpose. Such psychocosms have teachings associated with them which are only comprehensible if the map itself has been internalized. Further, some, like the Qabalistic Tree of Life, have an inbuilt up/down quality, a hierarchy, explicit or otherwise. This kind of hierarchy is seldom helpful in practical magick. For disentangling levels in the selves, the neurolinguist Robert Dilts has created a ‘Unified Field of Neurological Levels’. This is purely functional, stripped of any ‘spiritual’ message. Each level contains all the most general features of the level below it. In other words, the patterns in one level imply the patterns in the next level down. This means that change at any level will affect the levels below it, but not necessarily the levels above it (although this can happen). It is not the case that higher levels are more important than lower; rather, the model reflects the way in which willed change works: it is more effective to make a change at a higher level, and that is precisely what makes it a higher level. Dilts’ Neurological Levels are:-

• SPIRITUAL: Purpose. This is anything which is at a higher level of power or priority than:-
• IDENTITY: all the things we tell ourselves about who we are; we are often not conscious of the self-referential loops that inhabit this level;
• BELIEFS: whatever ideas we think are true. This includes our criteria, which are implicit in the way we make decisions, whether we are conscious of them or not.
• CAPABILITIES: these are our skills—not just manual or recognized intellectual ones, but the abilities that enable us to get through our everyday lives, socialize, make decisions, engineer our emotions and so on.
• BEHAVIOUR: what we actually do in the world. Our usage of time.
• ENVIRONMENT: the final level which we change through action (including magick).

Conclusions

Magick is inextricably intertwined with language, and language is just about everything. We are immersed in it for better or for worse, and so we need to understand it, take a grasp of our inner linguistic processes, so that we can become just what we want, rather than another robot whose blueprint was drawn up by someone else. Change is resisted by the nervous system, which prefers to repeat comfortable and familiar actions which have become ineffective rather than adopt new and more powerful strategies.

Magicians are generally aware that, in order to get results and fulfill your potential, you have to do things you don’t initially like—you have to break out of your ‘comfort zone’, in order to change. Through its modeling of successful change, NLP has accumulated (and is still accumulating) some of the smoothest techniques for changing beliefs and identities. This in itself makes it worth the magician’s while to investigate.

it appears there is an issue with blogger re: comments not being posted, they are investigating this problem and i'm sure normal service will be resumed soon.

deja vu

i have made a space, a large clear area, it exists between realms, a place where all is still, all is quiet, it's harmony, tranquillity, it's sanctuary and everything that falls between us will sit there. the days have passed away like empty vessels of nothing. you can put what ever you wish in this space, its the un- carved block, it is the void behind which another place exists and the void moon hovers somewhere behind void sky, in a void town, void boy meets void girl, void love fills void hearts and we drift in a void like universe under it's gaze looking for the anti void until we find it.


it's one brain, one mind, a central nervous system, it's vaster than anything, it is anything and everything, it is everywhere, it's the huge great big universe of intelligence attempting to discover itself, through all life, through us. are we suffering in pain, all of us, and eventually we begin to loose our hate, our anger, frustrations, resentments, judgements, attachments and our desires, we begin to gain appreciation, some sort of humility, some sort of...love within our humanity. it's tested, tested hard, for what good is anything unless it's tested and we curse and fume, we react and respond, sometimes falling back to the lowest common denominator. we are fallen down only to rise, and find love. this is the way all men must travel, it is the path of the soul, to meet himself and find only god.


i don't know about australia day, what does it mean, i see people waving flags, eating animals, displaying pride, honking horns in big metal death machines. i see the beach filled with people playing games in an ocean, although it looks pretty washed out today in the downpour. i see a publics holiday. 
in the past white people came from england and killed the natives, later they bombed them to hell in a-bomb experiments, then they gathered them up and killed them, or broke up their families. the survivors all were forced into the centre and away from the coastal areas, the european man came, and stayed. it is the way of empire. rise and fall, but the native folk will remain for they understand the land and the skies, i guess once civilisation reaches a dead end. 


i skype brighton, my friends tez ad jean, how i miss them, such lovely loving people. i miss them so much. i am assaulted by people, territorialitists, greedy landlords and ever encroaching boundaries. maybe i have to move soon, it feels like this, mission control under siege from downstairs middle class buddhists, champagne socialists, megalomaniac capitalists, all the same thing, the most selfish of all the people, hungry for more land and money, immune to anything else but the unconscious need that drives them, the accumulation of more. i collect this information and place it in the void space along with all the other nonsense that clutters up my head. 
i feel like i have lost my compassion, tez says i am angry and i think he's correct, i have never been good with anger, anger according to my book on emotions which i wrote about earlier is all about boundaries, i need to set boundaries and perhaps the only way i can do this is to buy a home. apparently now is a good time to buy a home, i'll investigate how this is done, i know you need a bank or lending authority to loan you the cash, ha, there's no way around that trap. i can't afford sydney, it's gone mental, there's nowhere to rent anyway, there's no way i could afford even a unit here. 
  

my natural inclination towards esoteric stuff comes from my family on my fathers side, specifically my grandfather whom i met only twice, the second time being the only time i recall. he was an old man with a long white beard and looked exactly like gandalf in lord of the rings, he held a huge big staff and he put his hands upon me and muttered some words which i didn't understand and that's my only memory, i was about five years old. even then i knew there was something special about him, apart from his appearance there were a few family stories floating around, and his wife was said to be very psychic, unfortunately i never met her.
much later when i was a teenager i was helping my father and we were in spain. i was about 15 or 16 not much of an idea about anything really just a young boy with the usual interests. one night i had a dream so strange i awoke in the middle of the night to tell my father.
some of the themes reoccur often in my dream, but this was the first  of it's kind. i was a scout in some sort of exploratory party who were somewhere behind me, i was exploring my way through a dense forest and suddenly came to a clearing and then a massive wall overgrown with vines. i pulled away at some vine and there was a huge doorway made from stone, with an engraving above on a marble like plaque. it said 'spirit' and as i pulled the vine away the huge door opened and revealed a long corridor. the corridor receded into the distance and i could feel something at the end, a presence and there hovering all the way at the end was a huge stick, a staff, my grandfathers staff. i felt a slight breeze, very gentle at first, almost like some one was blowing on my face and this got increasingly stronger, until the breeze was a wind, and as i stood my ground the staff still hovering came towards me, levitating until i reached out and grabbed it, at which time the wind stopped and i woke up immediately knowing it was my grandfather. 
i described my dream to my father and he said it was a spiritual dream, that my grandfather was a very spiritual man who gave away all his wealth and worldly goods to follow a spiritual path. i couldn't really understand much about all that, i was just to young, but i knew that dream was not just a dream, it was a communication, and that staff was more than an ordinary symbol. 
anyway, when i say i have a natural inclination towards these things i think that's where it comes from, in my dna, my grandfather that i only saw twice yet influenced me greatly in a strange unconscious type of way. 
i wish i had spent more time with him, i wish i could have more stories and memories of him of my own, i would have loved to know what he did, learn from his experiences but all i have is this strange experience, maybe that was enough.

baptiste i'm afraid i have not been able to find the source of the quote you mentioned, however i did find an interesting quote by austin spare who perhaps alludes to the 'quote' in his statement, when he said,


'others praise ceremonial magic and are supposed to suffer much ecstasy, our asylums are crowded. the stage is over run. is it by symbolising we become the symbolised? were i to crown myself king, should i be king? rather should i be an object of disgust or pity. these magicians whose insincerity is their safety are but the unemployed dandies of brothels.'


perhaps the quote you mentioned is originally from another source, often these things have a way of being recycled. 

olcott and blavatsky founded the theosophical society back in 1875 to investigate the philosophy of the occult sciences and since my arrival in sydney in 1988 i have frequented many a lecture at the wonderful adyar bookshops where i have enjoyed hours perusing the  literature they stock. while i never belonged to the society i respected their investigations and integrity although sometimes i felt some of the recent new age stuff they stocked seemed a bit weak and vague, generally they catered for all enquiring minds from a number of perspectives. the bookshop had many incarnations but always managed to maintain my interest and it came to my attention just recently it was closing down so i went to pay my respects and popped in. most of the stock had gone, it was the dying hours. 
i looked at the small pile of books that were being sold for a few dollars, i picked up 'nivarna, an occult experience' by george arundale.
i spoke to a lady behind the counter. i told her how much the bookshop had meant to me, and how sorry i was to see it go, she smiled and pointed to a poster behind her. 
it was a photograph of the earth from space and above it had in bold letters, 2012 everything changes. i smiled, she smiled and i though to myself in a strange kind of way how poetic that was that they had just embraced this idea, i wondered if they as a society knew something i perhaps just felt in my bones. 
we spoke for a while, shared a little connection and then i left a little piece of history behind.

the phantom tigers, the cobra lie, the worlds on fire and you have no time, dragon years bleeding the teeth of a monkey race, epic tower and structure trying to kiss space. 
speaking in tongues, like the babbling angels, dancing on pins with the wild hyenas, kissing the mind of a woman from venus.


the shimmer of water, the fracture of ice, a little bit of sugar and a whole lot of spice. the indian mantra, the african breeze, kilimanjaro and old k2 peaks.
the ghosts of the frozen reach for the stars, inelegant movement of a trapeze artist, never to sure if gravity ended or started.


the foam bubble cloak, in a slipstream void, the ocelot claw as a talismanic toy, open the door and open the window, crashing the party, evading the myth, jokers are wild in a zoo of card tricks.
give me a moment with the goddess of sparks, i'll show you the secret of her unresolved genius, kissing the mind of a woman from venus.


a man with a plan, a globe bulb explosion, fragments of glass in untold moments, time flow backwards and into my heart, reconstructed patterns beget the light arts. entropy's children atrophy and withered. i'd like to believe the queen is a lizard, she's chameleon regalia all dressed to rule, and i am the jester the idiot and her fool.

PANS LABYRINTH

it took me a few years but i finally sought pans labyrinth and it's everything i was led to believe, amazing film, really brilliant, don't be a dummy like me, make sure you see it. it comes from the man that made chronos, which is an excellent vampyre movie, he also made hellboy, but pans labyrinth is actually the best film in my opinion. very good faun and fairies to, with a hideous beasty who has eyes in his hands.

deep sleep like a drunken god, dreams pouring out from somewhere, spilling over, it's been an eventful 24 hours from meeting my friend, a wild child, and having noodles and a lovely wander through the streets of oriental joints and connections, then onwards to meet my old friend's lilly and peter as we feast on medicines from a sovereign state located in bondi junction.
it was good to see pete who has been my doctor for many years. he's the only retail outlet for health where prices go down, he's mr. non profit, serve the community and he is quite brilliant although abrasive.
a chance meeting, an interesting chap who cured himself of a tumour by eating wild grass and drinking raw juices, i meet an old acquaintance quite randomly who offers to drive me home. it's very late, i've had a big day and a lift home sounds like an offer i cant refuse, as though the universe is being kind to me. i jump in her car and say goodbye to my friends, only to find as we drive across the bridge my kind angel is in fact some sort of nazi. 
this makes for an awkward journey as she espouses her beliefs and ideology, i challenge her in my awkward humble way but part of me feels like just getting out and walking. it's funny how once people get an idea that suits them they become inflexible and thus their reality is shaped by what they believe. i jump ship prematurely and escape.
later i visit my friend val who has lost his mother in a freakish boating incident. i've been meaning to see him for a few days but our time tables were moving in opposing directions. it was good to spend time with him and his wife. we kept it very chilled, watched some tv, a show about a man who can plant suggestions, hypnotism, mesmerism, a mentalist i guess but completely mind blowing stuff, he makes a passing stranger forget his identity and adopt a new one as a beggar on the streets asking passerby's for cash.it's incredible, when he is brought back by a simple whistle blow, he can't recall anything and is shocked by the film of himself. this is close to me, as during my brain injury they said i had become another person, i did not know who my girl friend was, i had no idea of what i was doing in hospital and i was speaking with a totally different voice, much more aggressive and confrontational than my natural self. it took five people to hold me down as i was determined to leave the hospital. i have no memory of this. 
but it makes me wonder how our daily lives are influenced by these techniques. another example on the tv show was the mentalist went into a cinema and hypnotised everyone in a matter of seconds into thinking they had seen the funniest best film ever, he brings them out very quickly and they are all in hysterics (except a few who are not susceptible).
later he asks them what they thought of the film and everyone says, it was very funny. yet no one recalls the story, any plot, any characters and any details, as there was no film.
we are constantly bombarded by suggestions via the media, advertising and culture. it's quite frightening which is where the techniques for liberation come in handy i guess, keep flexible, change your mind every now and then, reman open but apply critical analysis. 
travelling home i finished reading michael moorcocks new book, 'the coming of the terraphies' which is a dr. who / eternal champion crossover. i found it taking me back to the dancers at the end of time, in a universe where anything was possible and all the boundaries of the imagination where free flowing, and there was some very wonderful sub texts hinting at the magickal universe, especially from the point of view of quantum magick. 
it was a brilliant story, rich and well written, as a the dr joins a group of terraphiles, humans and aliens, who re enact ancient earth rituals in a very distorted way as sports for the famed arrow of law as prize. the surprise of course is the book's humour which i thought was a lovely quality. 

  
there's a lovely passage where cornelius says to the doctor, 'this isn't just physics we are talking about, it's metaphysics,' the dr's eyes gleamed with a fascinated curiosity, 'it's the only way we can understand reality, and both are represented by mythology, by legend and the shamanistic power of humanity to tell a story that is an absolute lie beneath which hides an absolute truth.'
and later when describing the multiverse, 'wheels within wheels, shadows within shadows, self similarity is the key to all as our actions are reproduced throughout the multiverse. resonances, echoes...'
on the train home i meet up with arriane by chance, she shows me her book she is working on, it's part political rant, part business plan, part cook book and part autobiography, i don't understand most of it but i like her rants about the government. 
we get soaking wet in a freak downpour at central, drinking our coffees under a tiny shelter waiting for the bus, the city skies very foreboding, ah, it will pass. 

baptise apologies, my blog ate your comment, yes i do recall the quote i am not sure who wrote it but it may be a play upon the statement, 'in the kingdom of the blind the one eyed man is king' i'll do some hunting around and see if i can locate the source. 
apologies for the comment being lost like that.

the global financial institutions have said we are on the brink of another gfc, a huge one this time caused by the governments who have made bad loans and now don't loan money to countries because they don't know if the country can pay them back, greece is an example of this but there are others.
i'm not an expert, i have no idea about economics, money and financial systems but what i know is you can't live on credit without having to pay it back, and debt is the name of the game.
the system has no integrity, it's run by greedy people and lacks vision. the only thing these people are motivated by is profits and power and therefore they will fail eventually.
however the problem is they effect everything else, anyone who has savings, a loan or a bank account will be effected, i'm uncertain how exactly but we will end up paying the price for someone else's greed.
this is beyond political systems, it makes no different which side of the fence you're on, the bail outs proved that. the capitalists adopted a socialist solution and if the situation was reversed the socialists would adopt a capitalist one if it suited them. when your in power you do what you can to keep it.
the best way to deal with this is by non attachment to the gods that these people worship, power and money. these are abstract illusions if you like, i really believe that. a man has power over his dog and abuses it every day, same as a government has power over its people and abuses it every day, all the greater reality is a reflection of the personal one. if everyone dealt with their power and control issues i hope that would put an end to all power and control issues on a bigger level. imagine a banker going to work without such greed or a politician accepting he or she is flawed but tries their best to do a good job, for there is no need for perfection, humans are flawed, they make mistakes and do stupid things and as long as they are not destructive then i guess we should accept that. the problem occurs when we are sucked into other peoples realities, and after all, reality is a shared agreement. i feel intuition will get us awakened, and insight will guide us out. these are divine qualities, and perhaps people should invest more in these than the city bank.

in the other city the day is sticky and the heat folds in on itself like a heavy blanket, the light configures itself for sunglasses and wraps itself along the natural world like a belt holding everything together. 
i whisper in my sleep to an avenging angel, she says she is high but feels low, i feel low but am high. 
some kind of technology intrudes, maybe some where down the time space line i did get my wires crossed, could happen to anyone, anytime, least of all myself, when i wasn't expecting it. 
caught out but not surprised i guess, ha well it takes a great mind to catch me out and there's proof in that pudding. 
i will wander through the daylight, reading my book and discussing the touchy subject of reincarnation with my long distant friends who are always close by. we travel back together to the days we were in a band, rehearsing in a south london loft. we were not really friends then, i guess he was way ahead of me, i was just some kind of arty punk from the north side of london town. i belted out lou reed / bowie songs and sang the lines, 'crack baby crack give me your head' with a little to much conviction for his liking maybe. ha, i don't know i was just young and dumb.
anyway through some subtle space time manipulation we came full circle, after about 30 years being missing in action he played on snuff music for me, laid down some glam guitar on 'straight outta hell.'
off course i'm still a talentless fool with no idea but we are friends now, and we chat often, he always encourages me for which i am very grateful.
we discuss reincarnation, it's strange how few people around me accept this, choosing a rational approach i guess is the curse of modern times, rationalism is applied to everything and kills imagination. you see it in science, economics, politics and religion to, the enemy of vision. these days there's a terrible sickness to stop magickal thinking, to dumb everyone down into one mono acceptable culture. i warn tez that the next thing we will see is a political control being willed upon the internet because despite being filled with nonsense, hate and distortion it is a true representation of human consciousness as much as we want to aspire higher, the internet is where we are at and the powers that be hate consciousness more than anything, in fact that's what the war is all about.
later i go to look something up, i want to know about transmigration of souls and type it into google, thinking wikipedea will assist. this is what i find.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:SOPA_initiative/Learn_more


so here we have it, congress wants to control the net, once that happens change will be slower, information will go underground but it will still rise, for truth is like that, it can't stay buried. same with your previous incarnations, sooner or later they surface and you find yourself acting out dramas that you have been playing out since time begun. it's all just some weird pattern we have to confront or a doomed to repeat. isn't that right?

city streets, chinese feasts, as i wander along old china town. twilight in sydney, as the blast of setting sunlight pulls the shadows and angles into the night, the structures all start to look like ominous towers from a gothic dark nefarious city. the gargoyles have flown their ledges and peaks leaving a few cracks in their absence, empty spaces, some sort of portal hour, i'm in kafka territory, super imposed realities, a convergence of cities, seeping into one another, bleeding out through my cosmic eye, a spider web of disconnection. 
i am followed by a shadow being, i can't see his face but i feel his gaze, he can peek around these corners, stare through the walls, he can look deep into your soul and take something that you require to keep yourself sane, to keep yourself true and on the path. i take evasive action with my chaotic strides, and random ways, i throw my invisibility dust over myself and blend into the grey underwater dusk, undercover, underground, vague and invisible i loose my shadow, loose my skin, loose the boundaries i am imprisoned within.
there's a terrible sadness upon every face i pass, i begin to notice it, a disenchanted look as we are all dragged down by some awful gravitional force. it's a strange evening after a long day of heavy rain, black clouds, cold winds, with this eerie dramatic change as the clouds part and the last hour of sunlight penetrates yet only reveals more darkness. 
i walk uphill towards old central station, the puddles have dried, the streets wash out, above me chimes the old clock tower. 13 times.
i like central, it's structures and walls, it's doorways and corridors, it's historical elegance. i like the way it mysteriously pipes soft jazz music through outdoor speakers
through the multilingual crowds i weave and gravitate etheric trails for no one can see me now all light has been sucked into the other city, the shadow metropolis, at the end of every train journey, the end of all roads, the end of the night.  

with the cloudless skies, the mild zephyr coming in from the west, the crisp waves lapping upon pristine beach my friend tim picks me up in his dilapidated car, the last thing you would expect him to drive, it's held together with tape. he's in a foul mood, disgusted by the way australia is heading, disgusted with the way everyone is following our leaders blindly, disgusted at the whole damm thing, and he's in full flow, ranting and raving, it's hard not to disagree with him but i hate politics, it's just so pointless at the moment, everywhere you look someones rorting the public. we are the cash crop, society is eating itself, it's soylent green only the cannibalism is economic. it's hidden away behind a screen of media, opinions, gourmet recipes and fashion gossip. it's depressing, i find it very depressing but what can you do, run around warning people, everyone is to busy just trying to survive and avoiding getting depressed, so i feel like i'm contributing to a mass fear just by being part of it. poor tim, i watch him getting angry and cursing everything, it's going to give him a heart attack or a stroke. detachment i say, stay detached from it all, just enjoy the good bits, the animals, the clouds, the thin layer of spray that rises from the waves. but it is not easy is it. i mean you can't escape political reality intruding. it comes when you're defences are low, it comes when you got other fish to fry and it comes when you really just want some peace and quiet. politics seems to exist in all communities one way or the other, it's all about power and control, it can exist within a marriage, a band, even a simple dinner party comes with politics sometimes. i don't know, maybe that's why i like being on my own, maybe it's why i like hanging out with my dog and reading my book, or just doing stuff alone. no politics. what is politics but the guys with the power bashing the ones without over their heads with a club.
i do come from a political family, vastly political, always watching the media, current affairs, always talking about global events, switched on and plugged in. when i was young my mother took me on demo's and stuff, marches, riots and all that stuff. i used to write letters on behalf of political prisoners and it was a strange way to be a child, seeing everything from a political lenses. but what the hell good does it do, the more i know about politics the more i hate it. who would be a politician? 
i guess i just came to the conclusion if you want to change the world, change yourself. that seemed to bring about better results than voting. 
have things really improved politically, well i guess society has got a little better, we have ipods and the information superhighway, we have health care and good dentists so i guess somethings are better but we still carry on like primitive tribes.
poor old tim, getting very angry reading the papers, soon it will be despair like me as he turns the pages. 
i look at the ocean and the little boats wondering what earnest hemmingway must have felt like when he went fishing for marlin. i've never caught a fish in my life. 

my blog may be extreme bullshit perhaps, here's the strange thing, i'm not attached to the idea of being right about anything or wrong or any value really, these are just thoughts, spawned from imagination. occasionally some are based upon research and a linage that dates back a fair way, yes most of the people involved in this stuff have been called mad at some point in time, it's not uncommon and its part of the territory, when a magickian talks about the demon chorozon or uses any of his / her terminology they are thought off as insane. the last thing i am interested in is a battle of wills or ideas over sanity, i'd probably loose anyway. the terms are part of a reference system, they are metaphorical as all symbols inherently are including words. everyone's spiritual path is their own, one mans map is anothers trap, it's just the way it is, and yes i am guilty of writing some stupid things for which i take responsibility, but it's my process and that's what i do via writing, i certainly don't expect people to agree with me let alone read me, that surprised me! i'm not after anything, i have no agenda, not trying to change anyones mind or sign people up into a cult, a society or organisation, i don't even encourage commentators for if people want to read what i write they can chose to do that or not. i'm not even attempting to communicate with anyone else but myself through a kind of automatic writing process, i guess. and maybe one day my son will read this and find out a little more about his dads inner life, and i believe he knows me well enough to distinguish i have an imagination which is used quite frequently in my writing styles. he can tell the difference between the dad he knows and the one he reads just the same way i can tell the way that h g wells did not build a time machine but was playing with ideas in narrative about social structures.

the magickians path has evolved since the old days, it's now the path of a number of philosophical types, even some scientists and clinical psychologists. in fact it was a scientist who started the iot, which is possibly the most recent group of occultists to tap into a new magickal current. philip hine, ray sherwin have written quite extensively on these processes and all i have done is test their ideas in a safe progressive way that harms no one, except myself occasionally. i seek my own communion with god or what i refer to as the universe, and that is done through writing and magickal events or synchronistic occurrences that have metaphorical significance for me and me alone. perhaps substitute the word magick for metaphorical, it's just a word people used to describe a process that in its modern incarnation is actually surprisingly quite scientific. for the science requires results that are repeatable, and so does the modern magickian. 
practitioners are in agreement that magick only tips the odds slightly, it does not alter the universe in great consequence and it is not the same as mysticism, although i have always held the belief that in order to be a good 'scientist' one must follow the process of mysticism. 
history shows us that the most groundbreaking scientific discoveries have been made through a process one would say was mystical. newton himself after the discovery of gravity devoted the remainder of his life to alchemy. einstein believed imagination was more important than knowledge and for the modern mage imagination is everything. in fact it is everything.


recently after reading the crowley biography i read something i had never heard before in other books about him. towards the end of his life he observed that mysticism was the greater path. now before i read the biography i was emerged in reading moonchild, where i found i became very interested in the character alan bennet whom all the magickians seemed to looked up to with an other worldly respect. i was taken by this element and at the end of the book felt this was the main idea crowley was writing about, the main story was almost incidental.


yes my writing can be verbose and weird, it can go off the rails and be over the top, it can mention the taboo, it can provoke and be full of loathing and anger, it can be childish and ridiculous, it contains lies and truth, it's everything that flashes through my mind when i sit down at the keyboard and i very rarely censor or rewrite anything. it's sometimes wise and it's often rubbish and it's pointless to everyone unless you see it as that, a man writing stuff. why? because that's what i do. judge me, hang me, hate me, love me, it's not such a big deal for i can't possibly give offence, people can only take it from me, either way i am not attached to any idea about being anything else. 


modern magick is completely different to classical magick, the 21st century gods are jim morrison for dionysus and tv personalities, it appears the engine that drives success within modern magick rests on belief. you can use any system as long as you believe in it totally, golden dawn, enochian, lovecraftian iot or voodoo. you trick the mind in believing it's true, which is why the mage spends so much time doing mental preparations,  in the same way a method actor believes in his character and the film he is in is his reality while he is acting, i guess the diagnostic manuel would say that based on their perspective daniel day lewis was temporarily insane and they may have a point. belief is everything. which is why 'i believe in you' as a statement often has more power than 'i love you.'


life has taken it's strange twists and turns, it's been a trip but a very profoundly interesting one, different from the usual path people take and thats okay, it suits me most of the time. everything takes me somewhere, to a point. plant medicines took me to a point but they can't take me any further, magick took me to a point but it can't take me further. all that's left is writing and i know i have to go further, writing my imagination, love it or loath it that's where i am going, dead end it maybe but it is the journey there not the destination tat was always important to me. 


i am ridiculously sorry for what lines i cross, it's never been an intention to even get near a line let alone cross it. 
i am the first to confess i don't know how to be a friend with almost anyone these days so don't feel special, i'm always baffled why people actually like me and not surprised when they say they don't. it made me sad but i accept it, and i value your honesty, i always have.


i am not making excuses, i don't have any reason to justify myself as i take responsibility for everything in my life, good and bad and despite what people think about me i believe in myself, which i guess makes me either stupid or dangerous.


anyways, the last few days i have returned to the ocean, from where i came apparently, it's always a great place for healing, sorting my head and crazy mind out, tossing me around gently this time in magnificent temperate surf. i have also managed to catch up on much sleep, which is good, i was beginning to feel like i was living in a netherworld of foggy shadows and flickers. i'm gonna get some clarity in the next few weeks, it's coming.


there are another two things which have really effected me, one being the twin towers conspiracy, it's so fucking awful, i hate the idea that these fuckers get away with it, and i really hope one day they are exposed. i'm still haunted by the images of it. my friend says that i should not even worry about ancient history and think about what these evil people will do next. i can't imagine anything worse. i mean how much power and cash do these idiots actually want? 
secondly a story which came to my attention in the papers, a small item on page 7 of the telegraph, it didn't even make the other papers.
this was a terrible story and i feel writing it will just contribute to making everyones day miserable, but sometimes you have to acknowledge the side of humanity that we don't want to even look at. 
in brazil, in the amazonian rainforest some illegal loggers found an 8 year old girl from a very remote tribe. she was playing in the jungle, just like eden i guess innocent and free. they tied her to a tree and set fire to her. this girl had never ever seen civilisation, she had no analogue of life outside her tribe.
this was first contact and it murdered her. 
oh humanity, where for art thou?

apoptosis, information stream, random noise, look for patterns, integration of subroutines, diagnostics applied through subtext code, virus removal software has detected sub personality 666 has insurgent agendas, warning, system critical, executing counter code processing to higher modes.

scanning, scanning, scanning, retrieval initiating.

precision timed, complex intoxication, ghost moon, evolution paradox. i switched off the phones, unplugged the screen, the shrieking ravens and crows ate my oats as i stood on the balcony. ones called prometheus, the other called esmerelda i think they are married or living in some sort of committed avian relationship, they hang around sometimes pecking on my door as i drag myself out from my rooms, they have a message for me it seems.
'we come to bring you back in capt.'
'back in, what do you mean?'
'you been undercover too long, the crow says.'
i'm looking at these big black birds, they are fucking talking, in english. they hop around me, one flys up onto the barrier around the balcony, 'yeah mission, your missions over, we gotta pull you out.'
i feel like i need a drink but i don't drink, there's a cold mug of coffee in my hand, how did that get there, i can't remember.
'my mission? what was my mission?'
'you better sit down, we can explain.'
i find myself sitting in my hammock while each bird sits either side of me.
'you had a mission, hack the universe, find out what it wants. you had to infiltrate, get deep undercover and work your way into it. gain it's confidence. you were our best operative, we invested in you, and sent you in but that was a long time ago, many many years. you file your reports daily, we been receiving your transmissions. in fact our system analysts have been collating them, verifying the information, you have completed the mission much better than we ever hoped but it's time to come back in now.'
'back in, where?'
the birds looked at me, 'back in for a debrief. then get back to work, we have another mission that you may be interested in, something slightly different.'
'i don't really know what you're talking about, and since when do birds talk? i must admit feeling slightly lost these last few months, as if i have fallen into some strange grey murky depth, i can't remember much about anything really, the whole of my life is just a blur. i don't even know who i am anymore. but i like that, it feels like i'm close to knowing who i am and more importantly whom i am not. but its left me feeling isolated and alone, and distant from everything and everyone. i've lost all my friends, i can't hold on to people anymore...'
'you've developed what we call the deep fix.'
'the deep fix, ha, that's a joke right?'
the ravens eye seemed to dilate as he looked at me, 'it's the name we give to when the universe has made you. you blew your cover but you're to far in deep to get out alone, so we have to bring you out.'
i breathed out, took a sip of the cold coffee, 'that's the deep fix?'
'yeah, it's a bit more than that but essentially we need to pull the plug on this mission, despite the dangers it was a success, we have what we required. there's other missions waiting for you now.'
'so i hacked the universe, i get that, but what does it mean?'
'it means the missions over, we understand the nature of this universe, we have your reports.'
'who are you anyway, who do i work for?'
'well let's just say it's best for the integrity of the missions you don't need to know.'
'everything suddenly became far to complex, the closer i got the more complex it became until i finally got to the source code and it felt like something just had to give, there's a lot of traps and pitfalls, it's been really tricky but i was driven though. the mission had to be completed i knew that, i couldn't just abandon it. i guess that's why everyone  who's searching for answers usually stop at love and don't continue, it's very comfortable. i mean most people would just think after love it stops but my pursuits mean i've driven friends away. it's not like i have many.'
'yes fall out, everything will be okay and lets face it that little experience was pretty special for you but everything changes, you know that?'
'yeah, yeah, i know, how long is the debrief period?'
'well mission, you've done it a few times so i should imagine this time won't take to long, then when you are ready we will give you a new mission.'
'i'm tired of it all, can't i retire to a nice place with girls and coconut drinks and some of those onion baji's.'
'it would be indiscreet to say?'
'the future looks so uncertain,'
'2012 is a cosmic point in human evolution, it will come at a cost but it would be indiscreet to say more about these events.'
i nodded my head, it appears the conversation had come to it's conclusion, but the big raven esmerelda added, 'we will be in touch' as she stretched her wings and followed prometheus into the dawn.
i wandered back inside mission control and looked at the reflection in the mirror. i had been in to deep, undercover, filing my reports, focused on the mission, now it was time to come back in.