last day of the year and i am exhausted from it. all i want is to sleep. sleep that glorious space where my mind can recalibrate and project it's requirements, premonitions, symbols and metaphors. 

if i had to review the year it would be the space where grim reality of humanities past loops itself again, and the zombie hordes now have eaten almost everyones brain. i may not be alive next year, people queue up to kill me, haters write to me, killers threaten me and i just don't care. i'm unafraid of them.  everyday i get threats and the most vile abuse. it makes me happy, i know i am on the right side. ignorence is not bliss, it is a curse upon those that hate me. i no longer even feel sorry for them. 

last day of the year, i just want to be alone, in peace.

in the evening these candles burn down low, there are shadows dancing on the walls and ghosts communicating through enochian calls, you say they are angels, i say no, you say they are angelic and I say... maybe. 

in that darkness that comes before, in the envelope that consumes one and all, they reach out to reach in, you say they are communicating vessels and i say no, you say they are elementals and i say no, you say they are supernatural and I say...maybe.

at certain times in my life these late years i think about the dead, the people i loved and who are gone now, and i miss my dad, our talks about god. i miss my friend tim and our adventures. it seems like that was all so long ago, a different time, a past life. i get it all mixed up sometimes, i'm not sure if i have had so many past lives in one or my dad and tim are in some passed life, sometimes i hear their voices and i hold conversations just like they were right there with me, tim telling me his stories of old sydney, wild fishing trips, romps with brazilian strippers and his love of animals, even though he was never shy about eating them. tim had money and knew how to use it, he had a generous spirit, he was larger than life, and that's why i still feel him, that strange big hulk-ish energy, a touch of tony soprano, a touch of jackson pollock. tim had lust, he sucked marrow from every situation he could, whereas i took a bite here and there, i'd drive him home when he got to drunk and he would tell me in his unburdened freedom how he loved me for being his friend.

and he laughs at me now. laughs at my strange life and how things turned out.

and the other ghost is my dad, but he doesn't really talk to me, he just listens. i talk to him. how does that work? 

there are other people i have lost along the way, violent suicides and bad luck but those take a back seat when it comes to apparitions, most of the time it's just a faint trace of dad and tim.

one night i will be driving along and the sound on my radio goes weird, all static pouring through, in between stations. i'll hear them in the noise, and tune in to the signal, but as soon as i do it fades. and voices on the radio, the guitars return, the drum machines, echo chambers and crunching hombres. 

sometimes it feels like they are right there, dad pouring his whiskey, saying his prayer that went on for ever, asking god to protect us, a long list of friends and family, he really cared for people in his way. sometimes i hear it just above the surface but again, once i tune in my attempt drive it away. it's forbidden perhaps, but i cannot help myself, the desire to connect is strong, after all he was my father.

and then there's tim in my kitchen making a mess. taking cds out from their cases, he's looking for 'the lightning seeds', he loved them. sometimes if i listen hard in ambient hours, i can hear a voice, 'it all makes sense.'

 

he was amazed at how i knew whom ian brodie was, actually even i was amazed. i don't really know how that piece of trivia was stuck in my brain. it was a mystery, our whole friendship was. it was an adventure. it was very funny, we laughed, but it was quite strange now i think about it, a spiritual quest that was like a road trip, one character, the countries highest paid qc, who drove a beaten up old bmw filled with cassettes, cases, tapes unspooled all over the car floor and manilla files filled with the particulars of a case he was working on. he was an alcoholic, a man who loved expensive wine and had very exotic tastes and there was me, a psychedelic warrior in search of space but finding only time. we saw things no one should see, we did it all, the good the bad and the ugly. mostly it was god, sex and death. 

and now i just see the strange fleeting shadows, the glimpses from the corner of my eye, the whispers and erratic presence of something inexplicable. and then there's that loss, the deep trench i have to navigate each day, that missing part of life, the void i can't fill, friendship. for it is a ship and we steered that old gunboat / trawler into 'off the map' territory and i was lucky to return a richer man. 

surfing this morning at dawn, i summon up a group of sexy people to have coffee with and discuss some arty stuff, we are all creatives, working on projects. I have a few things to close off on, and then begin something new. it's exciting.

the last few days have been hard, managing christmas for 5 people who are demanding and excited, adults for whom christmas means food, special drinks and chocolates. the whole thing has been extremely stressful and exhausting but all was worth it when they opened their presents and received what they had asked for. especially two of them, one wanted an amethyst ring that i had one hour to procure and. budget of $30. i should get a medal for the lengths I went to get that ring for her but i don't even get a thank you, except from her. it was worth it.

the other client was expecting a box of 'favourites', a set of cadburys different chocolates in individual wrappers. the staff that had been tasked with getting these had left them at home so this afternoon the client opened a bag of various other things we had put together from left overs we found. he was fine but confused. later in the evening another client had been given a box of 'favourites' and he is not allowed to eat them due to a choking risk, so i gave them to the client that had missed out and the look on his face was spectacular. it was everything. 

so now at the end of some very long days, with one more day left before time off, i'm sitting here alone wondering what the hell it could all be about. it's a day where you have to show what? why is it different from any other day? i have always spent xmas alone or with people whom have no family. orphans. i am kinda orphaned myself, so i like to serve on xmas day rather than receive and pursue hedonistic experiences, i like to work hard and make others happy, people who are alone. that's xmas for me. i guess i have felt alone for so many years on xmas it's just now part of my routine. 

 ah finally brilliant commentary from konstantine. wake up west! this is what the university's don't tell you.

time flips and flops like a dying fish but one thing is certain we are all heading into tomorrow and there's no escape. tomorrow looks weirder than today,  it's skies filled with drones, war outside the door, masters and slaves,  puppets and clones, media lies, digital hell, crime determined by criminals, mono- culture, pre- thought crime, and all the usual dystopian cliques. on the other hand it could be crystal blue waters,  perfect waves, pristine architecture not made by human hands, the sounds of silence and peaceful zen like conditions under which man can make love, relax, smoke some natural weed and give praise to jah. 

looking backwards, i must look forwards, i close my eyes and see with my third eye. the karmic wheel is spinning, machinations towards the balance, intricate details in a web of beauty, everything touches everything. i am at the centre of it all. sometimes i ponder the zen koans, what is the sound before anyone hears it, and i answer to myself, it is nothing and everything and then i think does it matter. it's just a trick. i cast my mind into old teachings from the old testament, a book everyone writes off because they are ignorant that it is just one layer of a complex code, only opened by various other keys. in some ways it's a quantum book, operating in holography disguised in a symbolic language. what does it reveal?

it reveals we live in an illusion, a simulation if you like, this world is not real, it's a world of lies. the afterlife is the world of truth. plato's cave states the same thing, as does the matrix. 

it reveals that life does have meaning, it does have a purpose. the separation that begun at the dawn of time must be unified, and that acts of love are the only way to do it. however this love is neither idealistic or romantic, it is not the love of religion but the love of the humble, the kind, the quiet and the caring for all creation. it is not fixated upon ideology or belief, it is practical. love of creation is love of god, and love of god or the universe is absolute love. the universe doesn't care if you are an ant or man, it cares not if you are democrat or republican, it cares not if you are black or white, the universe only cares that you enter a relationship with it and find that love inside yourself that you can sacrifice for the universe. 

what's outside the simulation? god.
we are also part of god but inside the simulation.
only through acts of divinity can the code be transcended.

it's why i don't kill ants.

it's why i don't hate, although i am beginning to understand my own limits, i do fight it.

it's why i strive to love my enemy even though i hold him / her in contempt of their own ignorance. 

and off course i have love for myself, which only comes after solitary communion with the universe. 

strangely i am becoming more social these days despite my strange lack of connection to humans and my own inner tranquility.

without technology i have surfed almost every day, out there in the pristine waters with waves so perfect and powerful i reverted back to my old self. jake arrived and immediately started to rearrange my kitchen, literally throwing out 3 large black garbage bags of stuff. it's kinda painful to watch him going at it as he was quite ruthless but i know it's for the best, a lot of stuff was out of date and now i have room to actually use my kitchen again. down at mission control space is limited, and i have accumulated a lot of junk over the years. 

jake seemed to have slotted in with the locals, now he swims with the rays and sharks at the point i guess you earn that 'honour local' title, my friends have embraced him which is nice and i think Jake likes hanging out at terrible as it's like avalon beach was 30 years ago. i took a well needed break from work so we could have some time, went back yesterday and it was a slight shock, i much rather surf all day however there is a lot to do at mission control, a lot, and at some point i need to arrange a council clean up to take away the junk. 

getting technology back is a blessing and a curse, however i do need it in the long run,  managed to salvage three novels in progress on from the old hard drives but i have yet to verify if they are useable. I also set up my sound system so now it's all 5.1 and I'm looking forwards to playing my the the blu ray from the albert hall comeback tour.

 

the mass psychosis that has taken over the human world is an epidemic of madness we have witnessed before, the witch hunts, the various holocausts and now the weird ideology that has taken over the planet now, moral and spiritual bankruptcy, moral people commit immoral acts,  they are collectively unable to see their own behaviour as irrational because they are within the bubble they create with their own kind and to transgress the bubble is to be cancelled. 

what drives an individual to madness are 'triggers' but mostly psychogenic emotions, fear, anxiety, panic, a flood of various negative emotions.  it spreads like a contagious disease and the only way to escape it is a psychotic break, contrary to popular belief this is not manifested in a complete breakdown, instead it's a reordering of one's entire world. it blends fact and fiction, reality and delusion in a way that alleviates the panic, fear and anxiety.

the result in this psychosis on a society is totalitarianism, you can see it in labour in the uk and australia, you can see it in the green party and those that support them, you can see it clearly in the democrats in the usa, projecting themselves onto everyone who opposes them as they call you a fascist or nazi, completely under a delusion because they are the nazi, they are the fascist. 

fascism is when govt. work hand in hand with corporations, and that's big tech and washington. that's the united nations, the world health org and the economic forum. all pushing for one world global government, and their strange dystopian agenda where we are the cash crop. 

but the sad fact and the truth of it all, we are willing to surrender to them. play into their hands because we are also deluded by our own mind virus.

over the last few decades i have been researching the tides of humanity, the forces that push and pull, connecting the dots from various levels, the first time i ever came across this was richard dawkins when he wrote a book called the selfish gene where towards the conclusion dawkins mentioned the meme as a cultural transmitted entity. the book is written by an evolutionary scientist and i personally do not subscribe to darwinian evolution as the only way humans can evolve. 

then i read howard blooms amazing book, 'the lucifer gene,' which propelled me further towards a kind of freedom. my experiences with the human potential group also gave me mental technology to take responsibility for my own liberation.

then many years later i uncovered through my own experiences a methodology that uses thought technology based upon principles of magick that can liberate a person. the culmination of this was an ayahuscia experience where i was operated upon by three benevolent beings (aliens) who healed me from a recent head trauma (brain damage) and opened up various portals into various dimensions. very similar to magick but more sexier. after all shamanism is magick.

and now i just finished paul levy's book 'wetiko' which is stunning in the fact it uses a native american concept to explain a complex magickal, jungian, shamanic experience of the world and the hidden forces that control it, and us. 

reading this was like the final piece of a jigsaw puzzle, completing a picture for me. there are some intellectual criticisms i can make about the book but that would be pedantic, paul has written a very accessible, non pretentious marvelous book that offers us all an understanding at least. it reads like a pkd novel in some ways and then you realize paul deciphers pkd's own understanding of wetiko, which has many names, (there's even a kabbalistic framework paul writes about) faces and means to get to us. but only through facing wetiko can we free ourselves from it. i hope everyone on earth gets a chance to explore this concept. it may be the only way out for humanity.

and if you want to understand the mind virus on a political level then the last book is gad saad another evolutionary phycologist who wrote this gem of a book and is also a lot of fun to hear speak on his many appearances on you tube.